Crying Inside

Dear Miss Monroe:


HELP! I need some advice… I know this is long and a lot to read but I feel like I need to give that background to the problem and give you all the information. 

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. We are now 24 and 25 years old. We met in college and are both graduated now and living together. 


We've lived together now for about nine months and I'm not happy anymore. I admit that I've changed. I don't like to party every weekend and he still does. He can NOT go one weekend without partying.


For example, last night, none of his friends wanted to go out.  He sat in front of the tv drinking by himself, texting and calling friends to try to get someone to go out with him. Finally at 10:30 he said, "I guess I'm not going out tonight." Many Saturdays, he likes to go out during the day to bars with friends to watch sports and he'll usually ask if I'd like to go along. So that was his plan for today. For some reason, I broke down and decided I'm done. 


We've had many conversations before about how I've changed and we are not in the same place in our lives anymore. I like to go out and have a good time but not every night of the weekend. I think that after this much time, we should be taking our relationship to new level. We’ve talked about our timelines for marriage and kids. He wants to wait until about 30 and I don’t.

So our conversation this morning went like this:
Bob: I’m meeting Erik at the bar at 3pm. Wanna go?
Me: Yea, in 20 minutes, this show is over and I’ll get in the shower then.
10 minutes later….
Bob: Hurry up and shower.
Me: Ya know what, we need to talk. I am not happy and I will never be happy with you.
Bob: What? I just wanted you to shower so we could be there by 3pm. You’ll never be ready in time. (it was 1:53pm)
Me: That’s not the point!
Bob: We are 25 and I like to go out on the weekends.
Me: And that’s who you are and I don’t want to be with that because that doesn’t make me happy. You can’t stay in with me and NOT drink. You can’t do anything on the weekends besides drink at the bars or in front of the tv.
Bob: I don’t understand how this developed from me wanting you to shower so we can be at the bar by 3pm.
Me: It’s not about being at the bar by 3pm. I think about this every night but I held it in. But it’s funny how you have to stick to your time restraints to be at the bar by 3 pm and you’ll walk all the way there in the cold, but you won’t go for a walk with me because it’s too cold!
Bob: I’m walking to a place where I’ll go inside and get warm right away!
Me: (rolling my eyes) No, I’m done. That’s it.
END OF CONVERSATION… I went to shower and cried a lot. He got ready and went to the bar at 3pm. He said “I guess I’ll see ya later,” when he left. I said nothing.

I don’t get that tingly feeling anymore. We are more like roommates than anything. There’s no passion. There is only sex and it’s only like once MAYBE twice a month.


Is it possible that we were only good together in college?  If so, is it worth waiting for him to grow up and change?  Many times, I have tried to think of all the positives in our relationship instead of the negatives and have never been able to come up with more than a few.

Bob is just inconsiderate all around. He doesn’t send birthday cards. He doesn’t do the small things that I wish he would. For example, he doesn’t call just to say he’s thinking about me, hold the door for me, ask how my day was, etc. THE SMALL THINGS! This might sound dumb, but he doesn’t use a blinker when he drives and if he does, it’s at the very last second before he turns. I think that is inconsiderate as well.  I asked him one time why he doesn’t get the mail ever? The mail box is right at the front door when you walk into the building. I think these things are all selfish!

I’ve learned to deal with some of these things because I accept that that is how Bob is and I love him and fell in love with him for being that person. What do I do now?!?!


Crying Inside


Dear "Crying":


Blech.  I can't believe I was able to finish your letter.  Somewhere after the second paragraph I fell asleep on my wine glass.  Now I have Cheez-It crumbs embedded in my forehead.  God!  You are really, really boring.


Now.  Go back and re-read the letter you wrote me.  Read every mind-numbing, exhausting detail.  Imagine this situation with two or three kids, a dog that shits on the floor and eats cold hot dogs from the kitchen trash, sporting events, head lice, illnesses, deaths, taxes, car repairs, and a mortgage (probably upside down)  thrown in.  Yuck!!!  I want to shoot myself in the head.


Go find your own place.

Torn Inside

Dear Miss Monroe:


I have a close friend whom I have been friends with for eight years.  The problem is that throughout our friendship I have been annoyed at the things she does to me. She often makes mean, sarcastic comments to me and flakes out on me. We were at a bar together one night and I was talking to this guy, and she yanked me into the bathroom and complained that I was spending more time with him than her.  Once time she borrowed a dress of mine and when I asked for it back she said that the dress wasn't mine but hers, and showed me a receipt supposedly from the dress but it was really just a Dillard's store receipt for shoes so WTF?


I need advice.  I just don't know what to do.  I am actually in therapy over this.  I realize that I continue on with the friendship because I really don't have any close friends to turn to and talk with. I have spoken with my psychologist about this and she shakes her head when I have given her specific examples of what she's said or done to me.  When I ask her what I should do, she just says, "What do you think you should do?"


Help!


Torn Inside


Dear Torn:


Get up from your computer right now and fire your fucking therapist!  She is doing Sudoku puzzles in her lap and mentally going over her grocery list and whether or not she should get bangs next time on your dime.  That bitch isn't even listening.  


People usually don't really change.  It's probably time to expand your horizons and make some other friends.  It's good to have other options.  Give your friend some space and see what happens.  She will probably dump you now to be with her "cooler" friends, then call you crying in six months about how she never appreciated your friendship.

Need Answers

Dear Miss Monroe:


I am having a problem with my 34-year-old sister.  I think she may be an alcoholic.


One of her friends called me yesterday and said that my sister, while staying with her, flooded their home because she got drunk, passed out, and left the water running in a plugged utility tub in the laundry room for hours.  My sister denies this, but I totally believe her friend -- she did this same thing in my home a few years ago!  She also left the house for the day forgetting she put something on the stove and the homeowner returned just in time to save the house from a fire.


When the friend confronted her, my sister admitted to all of her drinking, said she had been calculating her demise, thought about buying a handgun and had looked on the internet as to how to hang herself using the ceiling fan and a rope. Then she asked the friend if she had any wine or vodka.

So I left a voice message on my sister's phone a bit ago asking her about all this.  I am really confused.  Do you think she could be an alcoholic?  She claims she only has "four or five" a day and sometimes a little extra to "take the edge off."


Need Answers


Dear "Answers":


Are you writing to ask if your sister is an alcoholic?  It sounds like it.  Passing out consistently is a surefire sign.  "Four or five a day" is a heck of a lot of booze, and you have to consider that she is probably underestimating the amount she is drinking.  That being said, either talk her into rehab or watch her around the cooking sherry when she is at your house.  And for christ's sake, never let her drink and drive.

Needing Moral Guidance

Dear Miss Monroe:


I know you are known for giving honest advice, so I am willing to put myself out there to hear what you think.  Just to warn you, this is a bit of a confusing situation, so bear with me.

I am a practicing Christian.  A friend of mine set up her friend, who I'll call Leslie, with a 'guy' who turned out to actually be a female transsexual. Kelly, who couldn't possibly be an actively practicing Christian, found out about the guy's transsexual status and didn't care at all.  For some reason, she has continued to 'date' the guy. I don't know Kelly or the 'guy' very well, so I didn't involve myself in the situation. 


The problem is that now my friend (who is a Christian as I am) has come to me saying that she finally realizes how wrong this "relationship" is and she's not sure what to do because she doesn't want to lose Kelly as a friend.

I'm not sure what to tell her. At first I thought it would be best to advise my friend not to spend time with Kelly and her 'boyfriend' when they are together, but then I wasn't sure if that would accomplish anything. I wasn't sure if this was a situation where being with them when they're together expresses approval or not.  I mean, you can't just let them think you agree with what they're doing.  I, for one, find it very very morally wrong and am uncomfortable that they are even dating.

I don't want to give bad advice, so I really want to hear what you all think about the situation. I'm not sure if it's relevant, but in case it helps to give a better idea of the picture, we're all college-age (and attending the same college).


Needing Moral Guidance


Dear "Needing Moral Guidance":


What sexual position do you prefer?  I'm just asking.  Are you a missionary-style type of guy, (my first guess) or are you more doggy style?  Does this seem nosy?  Does it seem like this is none of my business?  Well, you are right, it's none of my fucking concern.


Who other people date or chose to date or screw or don't screw and how they do these things is none of your fucking business!!!  If you don't like it, stay out of it!  You screw who you want and let everyone else screw who they want, how they want, and worry about yourself!


P.S. - Jesus ate with prostitutes and tax collectors.  Now get over yourself.


Love,


Miss Monroe

Nervous in Alaska

Dear Miss Monroe:

My wife has recently found out I've been unfaithful to her during our marriage. I have held back on telling her everything to spare her feelings.  She thinks only had a "one night stand" during a business trip.  The truth is, there have been several affairs and one-night stands during our marriage of 20 years. 

She now has scheduled a lie detector test for me so she can get her answers. I believe this could ruin our marriage and I really do not want that to happen. What advice can you give me?  I need to find a way to get out of the lie detector test without looking guilty. 

Dear Nervous:

You're pretty much screwed.  Find a good divorce attorney and keep your dick in your pants next time.  Fuck, why is this so hard?

Roomate Issues

Dear Miss Monroe:

My roomie has a long history of terrible relationships.  None were abusive or anything; her relationships always ended with the guy screwing her over by cheating on her or not returning her calls. This guy she is with now, Jay, is one of those guys. They started dating in October. Everything started out fine. He went home for winter break and just stopped calling her. They didn't speak again until recently. They started getting back together again.

This is when the weird stuff happened. My roomie was living with her best friend, Kate, at this time. I'm not sure exactly of the situation (although it's starting to become more clear to me now) but Kate and my roomie got in a huge fight over something that happened with Jay. Kate and my roomie had been best friends since elementary school. When they moved out, they were no longer on speaking terms.

I found out later that Jay had stopped calling her again and wouldn't answer any of her texts or calls. A few weeks later,  they started dating, again. Everything was going fine and then he pulled the same crap again A few weeks later, they got back together and they've been ok ever since (until he screws her over again......).

Jay is a creepy little bastard. For starters, he won't put a title on their relationship. She keeps asking if they're boyfriend and girlfriend and his response is, "I don't want to label us." Jay seems like the type that's always looking for something better. The reason why he stopped calling my roommate the last three times was because he found someone else who he thought would be better. My roommate is a great girl but I think Jay is just constantly on the look out for something better which is why he won't put a "label" on the relationship. This is where the problem comes in.

I feel like he hits on me and my friends. Nothing that I could really call him on...it's "woman's intuition" type stuff. The other day, I came home from work and had had a tough day. My roommate walked out of the room for a bit. That's when Jay walked over to me and started massaging my shoulders. I pulled away from him and he came back over. As soon as my roomie walked back in, he jumped away like ten feet.

A few nights ago, we were out partying and I brought one of my sorority sisters with us. Jay was drunk and went over to her and said, "You're the sexiest thing I've ever seen."  Last week, I had my friend, Jen, over at my apartment. Jay was there. She told a funny joke; you know how sometimes you might hit someone on their arm or pat their back if they say something funny? Well, Jen informed me today that Jay patted her butt. Luckily, my roomie didn't see that.

The problem is that I don't think my roommate would believe it if we told her. She's so wrapped up in this guy and she's totally in love with him. She looks at him and thinks he could do no wrong. Everyone tells her that he's a jerk and that's why he screwed her over three different times. She tells herself that he just got "scared" because his love for her is so strong.

 

If  I tell her, she gets pissed at me and I have to live with her for another year. I don't tell her and he'll just screw her over again. I also found out from a mutual friend that one of the reasons my roomie and Kate got in a fight last year was because Jay started hitting on Kate. Kate mentioned it to my roommate and it started WWIII.

So, my question is: should I tell my roommate or just keep it to myself? 

 

Dear "Roommate Issues":

 

God, haven't we all known a "Jay"?  This guy us a predator, and generally seeks out only girls who feel like shit about themselves and have no self esteem.

I hate to tell you this, but I think you know it already:  There's no way you can make your roommate see that this guy is a creep.  She is so desperate for "love" that she will do anything to hang on to this asshole.  I hope he is at least good in the sack, but he strikes me as one of those guys who wants a blow job every day and half the time passes out in a drunken stupor, vomit-scented drool pooling into the folds of his neck, while you are in the middle of the scintillating task of sucking his dick.

Do you watch any of the Kardashian shows?  Jay is the Scott Disick of your household.  He will hang around like a creepy cockroach and there's not a thing you can do to stop it.

Sorry about you, honey.  All you can do is roll your eyes, trash him to all your friends, and hold your roommate's hand while you take her to the free clinic when, inevitably, he gives her whatever dick rot he is bound to have from screwing everything in sight.

Feeling Trapped

Dear Miss Monroe:

I met my boyfriend back in June of 1998.  At the time he was the sweetest guy ever.  I was six months' pregnant with someone else's kid who disappeared coincidentally around the time I told him I was pregnant.  My boyfriend helped me out throught the rest of my term he seemed like the perfect guy. My family couldn't see how great he was or how much he helped me but I really love him.

I went to Nebraska for the summer to see my family and came back in August.  He was a totally different person.  Yeah he was nice at times but other than that he was abusive physically and mentally. When ever I would make a mistake or lose my job through another co-worker's fault and her vendetta against me, he would say I was a horrible person and I was worthless. 

I always have to watch my mouth and whatever I say around him because the littlest things would set him off on a rage.  I have had plenty of bruises but the thing is I love him. Now I don't know what to do.  I have given up everything for him. I am only 19 and I have thrown away my family.  They don't like my boyfriend and said if I moved out and in with him that was it. My family wont take me back. I left Nebraska when my family told me to stay to get a new start and start beauty school.  I came back for this? What do I do?

Feeling Trapped

Dear "Feeling Trapped":

Okay.  You are young and you really need help so, though I think you are clueless, I am going to try with all my might not to be a bitch about this.  I might not be able to hold it all in, though.

You have made some really dumb-ass decisions up until now.  The good news is that you are only 19 and it is not too late to fix all this crap.

Please call your parents.  Tell them that you made a mistake and that your asshole boyfriend is using you as a punching bag.  Apologize for your former stupidity, and ask if you can move back home and go to beauty school.  Don't be a smart-ass or a know-it-all when you are on the phone with them.  Be sincere, humble, and appreciative.  Most parents are willing to let you fuck up a few times before they completely cut you off.

Then, pack up and leave this douche bag behind.  I know you think you love him, but his abusive behavior is likely to escalate.  Please, start a new life for yourself while you still have the opportunity.

And quit being such a fucking idiot.  Sorry.  Couldn't help it.