Nervous in Alaska

Dear Miss Monroe:

My wife has recently found out I've been unfaithful to her during our marriage. I have held back on telling her everything to spare her feelings.  She thinks only had a "one night stand" during a business trip.  The truth is, there have been several affairs and one-night stands during our marriage of 20 years. 

She now has scheduled a lie detector test for me so she can get her answers. I believe this could ruin our marriage and I really do not want that to happen. What advice can you give me?  I need to find a way to get out of the lie detector test without looking guilty. 

Dear Nervous:

You're pretty much screwed.  Find a good divorce attorney and keep your dick in your pants next time.  Fuck, why is this so hard?