Dear Miss Monroe:
My fiance is 39 and I am 32. We are both Catholic and we are getting married in the church. The problem is that my future mother-in-law is pretty much the most oblivious person I know. She drives me crazy! She shocked everyone by saying she actually wanted to help with the rehearsal dinner. She does not even offer to buy her own son dinner if we go out to eat as a group (my parents have to pay for his food), but they have money to buy a freaking beer and margarita.
She called my mom the other day and asked how many people were we expecting for the rehearsal dinner. My mom told her around 70, and she absolutely flipped out over that. She thinks that the it should only be the bride the groom them and my parents and then wedding party (with no guests allowed) and the flower girl and ring bearer don't need to come, nor our grandparents or the priest! My parents are pretty much preparing to pay for 100% of everything. But do we (my parents and my fiance) present her with a list of all the people we think should come (like a guest for the wedding party) and tell her to put a mark by everyone that she thinks should be there and then we pick up the bill for the rest and the ENTIRE WEDDING. She does not know that our guest list has 550 people on it. She may just run away when she finds out that.
What should I do?
Signed,
Major Mother-in-Law Problems
Dear "Major":
Several things come to mind here. First of all, why aren't you and the groom paying for your own wedding? Y'all aren't actually spring chickens or young kids just starting out.
Also, your future husband should pay for his own meal, like a damn man, when you are out as a group. If your parents want to offer that's awesome, but seriously, his mother should be able to order an alcoholic beverage without you being annoyed that she is not paying for her grown-ass son's meal.
As far as the rehearsal dinner goes, let's be real here. Wouldn't it be easier to just pay for it? It would save you from getting bogged down in petty minutia. Shit, have your mother-in-law take care of the flowers or something.
Keep in mind that your mother-in-law is likely to become more of a bitch as time goes on, not less of one. Good luck with that.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Steaming Mad
Dear Miss Monroe:
I am very furious with my wife and need some advice before things get out of control. We have been married for ten years. My wife is a stay-at-home mom. We have three children together, and my two children from a previous relationship also live with us. One of the kids has special needs and also autism.
I'm a nice guy. I work hard, go to the gym after work, go out with the guys once in awhile, and come home.
Lately out of the blue she has been making a big deal out of me having a few beers after work and asking what time I'll be home. She wants "me" time. She's home all day, what more "me" time does she want? She has been asking me to do household chores like clean the kitchen. She keeps calling for pizza instead of making dinner when she is home all day. Also, she hired someone to clean the windows in the house for $75! Isn't that her job????
But here comes the last straw. My favorite NFL team was knocked out of the playoffs and she laughed!!!! I mean, I'm trying to do the right thing here but when do you say "enough is enough"?
Steaming Mad
Dear "Steaming Mad":
Go shit in your hand.
I am very furious with my wife and need some advice before things get out of control. We have been married for ten years. My wife is a stay-at-home mom. We have three children together, and my two children from a previous relationship also live with us. One of the kids has special needs and also autism.
I'm a nice guy. I work hard, go to the gym after work, go out with the guys once in awhile, and come home.
Lately out of the blue she has been making a big deal out of me having a few beers after work and asking what time I'll be home. She wants "me" time. She's home all day, what more "me" time does she want? She has been asking me to do household chores like clean the kitchen. She keeps calling for pizza instead of making dinner when she is home all day. Also, she hired someone to clean the windows in the house for $75! Isn't that her job????
But here comes the last straw. My favorite NFL team was knocked out of the playoffs and she laughed!!!! I mean, I'm trying to do the right thing here but when do you say "enough is enough"?
Steaming Mad
Dear "Steaming Mad":
Go shit in your hand.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Confused in Post Falls, Idaho
Dear Miss Monroe:
I have spent 45 years of my life trying as hard as is humanly possible to be a best friend, confidant, and working partner with my younger brother. I have worked for his company on and off for the last 15 years.
I really enjoyed my job and was the number 13 salesman in my office out of 20. I have been passed over for promotions eight times. Each time they have claimed "performance issues" and "trouble reading social cues."
In October, I was told by my boss that I should go ahead with a home purchase I was considering. I thought all was well, and happily moved out of my brother's basement into my new home.
In December at the office holiday party, I have to admit I had a little too much to drink. I was talking to one of the secretaries who had pretty much given me many hints she was interested. Well, she went to Human Resources with it and I had to take special training and everything. Meanwhile, she sits perched at her desk in her low-cut sweaters and short skirts and I'm the one with egg on my face.
In January of this year my brother's GM came to me and told me I was being laid off indefinitely.
I have been sacrificed again and again and my level of dedication to the company and the family business is not in question. Yet I am still out right after I bought a home. My brother takes a hands-off stance saying he cannot overrule his GM because it would undermine his authority. My brother has always kept me at arms' length and has tried to convince me to change careers entirely even though I have a great passion for the business.
I have been offered another job at my brother's direct competitor. My brother has worked hard to convince me that I shouldn't burn any bridges and try to go after his business. He claims my layoff is temporary but can give no time frame of my return. The new company wants me to chase the business I had been doing with clients from my brother's company. My heart and soul are with my brother's company but I feel I have been manipulated, used, and thrown out like a used Kleenex and really have a hard time wanting to keep a good relationship with my brother. He has hurt me time and time again, and will not stand up for me even though he knows I do a great job.
What would you do?
Dear "Confused":
I am going to do you a huge solid by clearing up your "confusion." But first, I have to ask: Are you male or female? When I started reading your email I assumed you were male, but then vacillated back and forth a few times as I continued reading.
Anyway, here's the deal. Either you really, really suck at what you are doing or your brother is a major asshole. I'm kind of leaning towards the "you suck" side. Even from your own martyr-like standpoint, it seems like you aren't very good at your job and you just haven't been willing to understand this.
Should you take the job with your brother's competitor? Shit, yes. You have a mortgage to pay. But if you start having "social cue" and "performance" issues with this new company, consider another career.
And tell your brother to eat shit.
I have spent 45 years of my life trying as hard as is humanly possible to be a best friend, confidant, and working partner with my younger brother. I have worked for his company on and off for the last 15 years.
I really enjoyed my job and was the number 13 salesman in my office out of 20. I have been passed over for promotions eight times. Each time they have claimed "performance issues" and "trouble reading social cues."
In October, I was told by my boss that I should go ahead with a home purchase I was considering. I thought all was well, and happily moved out of my brother's basement into my new home.
In December at the office holiday party, I have to admit I had a little too much to drink. I was talking to one of the secretaries who had pretty much given me many hints she was interested. Well, she went to Human Resources with it and I had to take special training and everything. Meanwhile, she sits perched at her desk in her low-cut sweaters and short skirts and I'm the one with egg on my face.
In January of this year my brother's GM came to me and told me I was being laid off indefinitely.
I have been sacrificed again and again and my level of dedication to the company and the family business is not in question. Yet I am still out right after I bought a home. My brother takes a hands-off stance saying he cannot overrule his GM because it would undermine his authority. My brother has always kept me at arms' length and has tried to convince me to change careers entirely even though I have a great passion for the business.
I have been offered another job at my brother's direct competitor. My brother has worked hard to convince me that I shouldn't burn any bridges and try to go after his business. He claims my layoff is temporary but can give no time frame of my return. The new company wants me to chase the business I had been doing with clients from my brother's company. My heart and soul are with my brother's company but I feel I have been manipulated, used, and thrown out like a used Kleenex and really have a hard time wanting to keep a good relationship with my brother. He has hurt me time and time again, and will not stand up for me even though he knows I do a great job.
What would you do?
Dear "Confused":
I am going to do you a huge solid by clearing up your "confusion." But first, I have to ask: Are you male or female? When I started reading your email I assumed you were male, but then vacillated back and forth a few times as I continued reading.
Anyway, here's the deal. Either you really, really suck at what you are doing or your brother is a major asshole. I'm kind of leaning towards the "you suck" side. Even from your own martyr-like standpoint, it seems like you aren't very good at your job and you just haven't been willing to understand this.
Should you take the job with your brother's competitor? Shit, yes. You have a mortgage to pay. But if you start having "social cue" and "performance" issues with this new company, consider another career.
And tell your brother to eat shit.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Tired of Texting in Minnesota
Dear Miss Monroe:
Hi Miss Monroe. I need your help. I really like this girl at college. She's in pretty much all of my classes she is a really nice girl with a great personality and good looks. She says I'm a nice kid all the time.
The problem is when I try to text her and try to start up a good convo she doesn't really show emotion in her texts. Like if I say hey how's it going?? She'll just say "nmu". Or if I say so how are you? She'll respond with a "good u". What do I do??? It seems as if she doesn't know how I feel about her.
Dear "Texting":
Ah, kids. Christ. How is she supposed to "show emotion" in her texts? Would you be happy if she used emoticons? Is this better: "nmu
"? Or how about this: "good u
"? If you want emotion, why not have have an actual conversation? Put your dumb ass phone away and speak. God.
Hi Miss Monroe. I need your help. I really like this girl at college. She's in pretty much all of my classes she is a really nice girl with a great personality and good looks. She says I'm a nice kid all the time.
The problem is when I try to text her and try to start up a good convo she doesn't really show emotion in her texts. Like if I say hey how's it going?? She'll just say "nmu". Or if I say so how are you? She'll respond with a "good u". What do I do??? It seems as if she doesn't know how I feel about her.
Dear "Texting":
Ah, kids. Christ. How is she supposed to "show emotion" in her texts? Would you be happy if she used emoticons? Is this better: "nmu
"? Or how about this: "good u "? If you want emotion, why not have have an actual conversation? Put your dumb ass phone away and speak. God.Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Nervous in Miami
Dear Miss Monroe:
I have a really serious problem. My boyfriend and I got into a fight last year. I was really mad at him so I had sex with this other guy I met in the parking lot at Target. I wasn't expecting to hook up at that time so we didn't use protection. I'm pretty sure the guy even gave me a fake name, because when I called him by name (he claimed it was Josh) he looked confused and it took him a second or two to answer. Anyway.
I am four months' pregnant now and I have no idea whose baby it is. Seriously, because of the timing and all, I'm thinking it's 50/50. My boyfriend wants us to get married but I'll feel really bad if the baby is not his. And the other thing is the guy I had sex with was Asian and looks NOTHING like my boyfriend. So if the baby is not my boyfriend's it will be totally obvious.
What excuse could I use if people notice the baby looks Asian? Please help!
Nervous in Miami
Dear Nervous:
God, I just hate it when morons procreate. I swear, sometimes it seems as if stupidity and fertility are somehow connected. Are you also ugly and poor? I have to ask.
You probably shouldn't marry your boyfriend. If the baby is not his he will be super-pissed. And other people will notice. And your boyfriend will tell people. And everyone will know you hooked up with a guy you met in a PARKING LOT. An Asian named Josh.
Also, please consider adoption. You sound like you are too stupid to be an adequate mother.
I have a really serious problem. My boyfriend and I got into a fight last year. I was really mad at him so I had sex with this other guy I met in the parking lot at Target. I wasn't expecting to hook up at that time so we didn't use protection. I'm pretty sure the guy even gave me a fake name, because when I called him by name (he claimed it was Josh) he looked confused and it took him a second or two to answer. Anyway.
I am four months' pregnant now and I have no idea whose baby it is. Seriously, because of the timing and all, I'm thinking it's 50/50. My boyfriend wants us to get married but I'll feel really bad if the baby is not his. And the other thing is the guy I had sex with was Asian and looks NOTHING like my boyfriend. So if the baby is not my boyfriend's it will be totally obvious.
What excuse could I use if people notice the baby looks Asian? Please help!
Nervous in Miami
Dear Nervous:
God, I just hate it when morons procreate. I swear, sometimes it seems as if stupidity and fertility are somehow connected. Are you also ugly and poor? I have to ask.
You probably shouldn't marry your boyfriend. If the baby is not his he will be super-pissed. And other people will notice. And your boyfriend will tell people. And everyone will know you hooked up with a guy you met in a PARKING LOT. An Asian named Josh.
Also, please consider adoption. You sound like you are too stupid to be an adequate mother.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sensitive in Tennessee
Dear Miss Monroe:
I have basically gotten myself into an uncomfortable situation and I want to know what your advice would be.
There's this girl. Let's call her Amanda. I basically met her at the bar where I work and we've been dating for about two years.
Just so you know, I should mention that I'm not really a relationship person. I don't know what it is, it's just that after awhile when I spend a lot of time with people, basically they begin to annoy me. It just gets to me somehow. Largely based on this aspect of my personality, I broke up with her just before Christmas. The bad thing is, since then we've been seeing each other occasionally and having sex.
She says she still really wants to be with me. I've told her it's not on the cards, and she's says she's fine with that. She says she can be happy just seeing me occasionally and having a bit of fun, because she'd rather do that than not see me. But then sometimes she writes me these super-long texts about how much she misses me. Last week I saw her car on my block and I live nowhere near her, so, basically, I think she could be following me. Yesterday, she started crying and said she can't keep doing this but through her sobs she was giving me some below-the-belt attention so it was kind of awkward. I didn't know what to do so I just stood there and finished.
What should I do? Basically as I see it my options are either (1) to carry on as I am, see her sometimes and have fun not worrying about how she's feeling, I'm not leading her on etc, (2) still be friends but not go further with her (I'm unsure as to how able I would be to do this, due to us regularly being in close proximity when intoxicated, and her tendency to try it on in these situations), or (3) cut off all contact, cruel to be kind, etc.
I should point out that I've been with other girls in the meantime, and she's rejected any advances from people other than me. I'm just worried about her, basically.
Signed,
Sensitive in Tennessee
Dear "Sensitive:"
Are you super good in the sack? Is your dick made of solid gold? Do you closely resemble Kellan Lutz? If your answer to any of these questions is "no," then WHAT. THE. HELL. I mean, where do you guys find these girls with absolutely no discernible self esteem? Is there an ad or a club or something? I don't get it.
Please stop banging this poor girl. She is not emotionally equipped to have casual sex with you. Or casual blow jobs. Also, please stop using the word "basically." God! I think if I met you in person, I'd have to punch you in the face.
I have basically gotten myself into an uncomfortable situation and I want to know what your advice would be.
There's this girl. Let's call her Amanda. I basically met her at the bar where I work and we've been dating for about two years.
Just so you know, I should mention that I'm not really a relationship person. I don't know what it is, it's just that after awhile when I spend a lot of time with people, basically they begin to annoy me. It just gets to me somehow. Largely based on this aspect of my personality, I broke up with her just before Christmas. The bad thing is, since then we've been seeing each other occasionally and having sex.
She says she still really wants to be with me. I've told her it's not on the cards, and she's says she's fine with that. She says she can be happy just seeing me occasionally and having a bit of fun, because she'd rather do that than not see me. But then sometimes she writes me these super-long texts about how much she misses me. Last week I saw her car on my block and I live nowhere near her, so, basically, I think she could be following me. Yesterday, she started crying and said she can't keep doing this but through her sobs she was giving me some below-the-belt attention so it was kind of awkward. I didn't know what to do so I just stood there and finished.
What should I do? Basically as I see it my options are either (1) to carry on as I am, see her sometimes and have fun not worrying about how she's feeling, I'm not leading her on etc, (2) still be friends but not go further with her (I'm unsure as to how able I would be to do this, due to us regularly being in close proximity when intoxicated, and her tendency to try it on in these situations), or (3) cut off all contact, cruel to be kind, etc.
I should point out that I've been with other girls in the meantime, and she's rejected any advances from people other than me. I'm just worried about her, basically.
Signed,
Sensitive in Tennessee
Dear "Sensitive:"
Are you super good in the sack? Is your dick made of solid gold? Do you closely resemble Kellan Lutz? If your answer to any of these questions is "no," then WHAT. THE. HELL. I mean, where do you guys find these girls with absolutely no discernible self esteem? Is there an ad or a club or something? I don't get it.
Please stop banging this poor girl. She is not emotionally equipped to have casual sex with you. Or casual blow jobs. Also, please stop using the word "basically." God! I think if I met you in person, I'd have to punch you in the face.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Fighting Fat in Utah
Dear Miss Monroe:
I am fifty years old and I currently weigh almost 400 pounds. For obvious reasons, I am trying to lose weight. The extra weight I am carrying has caused me to have back problems, knee problems, and foot problems. I get winded after walking just a few steps. I lost my job because they claim I can't "safely" fit in the delivery van. I need to change.
The problem is my wife. She will not support me at all in my endeavor to lose weight. Last night I was watching TV on the couch when she brought me my dinner. I asked her to prepare me healthy yet edible foods for my meals. She brings me a plate with one chicken breast and some fresh green beans. How am I supposed to live off of that? After I gagged down my dinner, she kept nagging me to go out and walk around the neighborhood with her. She knew the game was on! I got so upset at my wife's lack of support that after she went to bed (I was STARVING by this time), I ordered two cheese stuffed pizzas with extra sausage and ate them.
The next morning, I realized that my wife had cleaned out the kitchen cupboards. Again, she starts nagging about going for a walk. The breakfast she gave me? One CUP of Grape Nuts, SKIM milk, and a banana. What the hell? She told me she got rid of all the Pop Tarts, honey buns, and cookies and candies to "help" me. Help me? I think she is trying to kill me!
Today she came home and gave me a gym membership. WHAT. IN. THE. WORLD. She knows I am too fat to work out!
Miss Monroe, how can I get my wife to realize that I need her support? And when will she see that I do not need to be doing all these extra activities? I am seriously considering making a counselling appointment for her.
Signed,
Fighting Fat Alone in Utah
Dear "Fighting Fat:"
Hmmm. It sounds like you need a mother, not a wife. Will your parents take you back? Please ask them today. If that is not an option, consider checking Craig's List and your local nursing homes for someone who wants to take on responsibility for a 400 pounds-and-counting, non-working, imbecilic male with a victim complex. Good luck!
I am fifty years old and I currently weigh almost 400 pounds. For obvious reasons, I am trying to lose weight. The extra weight I am carrying has caused me to have back problems, knee problems, and foot problems. I get winded after walking just a few steps. I lost my job because they claim I can't "safely" fit in the delivery van. I need to change.
The problem is my wife. She will not support me at all in my endeavor to lose weight. Last night I was watching TV on the couch when she brought me my dinner. I asked her to prepare me healthy yet edible foods for my meals. She brings me a plate with one chicken breast and some fresh green beans. How am I supposed to live off of that? After I gagged down my dinner, she kept nagging me to go out and walk around the neighborhood with her. She knew the game was on! I got so upset at my wife's lack of support that after she went to bed (I was STARVING by this time), I ordered two cheese stuffed pizzas with extra sausage and ate them.
The next morning, I realized that my wife had cleaned out the kitchen cupboards. Again, she starts nagging about going for a walk. The breakfast she gave me? One CUP of Grape Nuts, SKIM milk, and a banana. What the hell? She told me she got rid of all the Pop Tarts, honey buns, and cookies and candies to "help" me. Help me? I think she is trying to kill me!
Today she came home and gave me a gym membership. WHAT. IN. THE. WORLD. She knows I am too fat to work out!
Miss Monroe, how can I get my wife to realize that I need her support? And when will she see that I do not need to be doing all these extra activities? I am seriously considering making a counselling appointment for her.
Signed,
Fighting Fat Alone in Utah
Dear "Fighting Fat:"
Hmmm. It sounds like you need a mother, not a wife. Will your parents take you back? Please ask them today. If that is not an option, consider checking Craig's List and your local nursing homes for someone who wants to take on responsibility for a 400 pounds-and-counting, non-working, imbecilic male with a victim complex. Good luck!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Single in Texas
Dear Miss Monroe:
I am an attractive, well-educated man in my early forties. I make good money, drive a nice car, and attend church regularly. I'm "the total package," if I do say so myself. I mean, you'd think I'd be beating the women off with a stick. The problem? I can't seem to find a decent woman to settle down with!
I dated Angie for three months. I thought things were getting pretty serious and even considered popping the question. But one morning she was making toast in my kitchen, and after she buttered the toast she licked the knife before putting it in the sink! I mean, what a deal breaker. That is just disgusting.
I dated Brook for two months. She had this bad habit of humming while she was driving, and she also had a slight mustache that I hinted strongly for her to wax. She never waxed the mustache, so that was it with her.
I dated Shasta for three months. There was a pretty big age difference, but she was pretty hot so I let it slide. Come to find out, she had cellulite on the back of her thighs. The first time I noticed it, I had to hide my horror.
So I have to ask: Is it just me, or are all the women out there really that disgusting?
Signed,
Single in Texas
Dear "Single":
Wow! It's hard to believe someone hasn't snapped you up already! You sound like quite a "package," if I may say so myself. I think you should try calling up some of the Victoria's Secret swimsuit models. Maybe you should write Angelina Jolie and see how happy she really is with Brad. I mean, surely there's a chink in the armor somewhere. You might also try Jennifer Anniston, I hear she's looking. Good luck!
I am an attractive, well-educated man in my early forties. I make good money, drive a nice car, and attend church regularly. I'm "the total package," if I do say so myself. I mean, you'd think I'd be beating the women off with a stick. The problem? I can't seem to find a decent woman to settle down with!
I dated Angie for three months. I thought things were getting pretty serious and even considered popping the question. But one morning she was making toast in my kitchen, and after she buttered the toast she licked the knife before putting it in the sink! I mean, what a deal breaker. That is just disgusting.
I dated Brook for two months. She had this bad habit of humming while she was driving, and she also had a slight mustache that I hinted strongly for her to wax. She never waxed the mustache, so that was it with her.
I dated Shasta for three months. There was a pretty big age difference, but she was pretty hot so I let it slide. Come to find out, she had cellulite on the back of her thighs. The first time I noticed it, I had to hide my horror.
So I have to ask: Is it just me, or are all the women out there really that disgusting?
Signed,
Single in Texas
Dear "Single":
Wow! It's hard to believe someone hasn't snapped you up already! You sound like quite a "package," if I may say so myself. I think you should try calling up some of the Victoria's Secret swimsuit models. Maybe you should write Angelina Jolie and see how happy she really is with Brad. I mean, surely there's a chink in the armor somewhere. You might also try Jennifer Anniston, I hear she's looking. Good luck!
Friday, March 18, 2011
Unappreciated in San Diego
February 21, 2011
Dear Miss Monroe:
I am having a problem with my husband. He doesn't seem to appreciate me at all. We have been married for three years, and he has pretty much ignored me for the last two of them. When he comes home from work, he gets his dinner and takes it right down the basement, where he watches television until bedtime.
He says that I am no longer the person he married and that he misses "The Old Julie." He calls me lazy and asks what I do around the house all day. He says our house is a mess and that our kitchen sink is not meant to be used as a litter box. Well, I am sorry that I ran out of litter boxes and haven't had a chance to go to the store! He is embarrassed to invite people over. He hates my cooking. He says my short, permed hair makes me look like Richard Simmons. Yesterday, he made fun of the pink Yosemite Sam sweatshirt I got from one of our vacations. That really hurt my feelings!
Well I am sorry! I know I have gained sixty pounds since we've been married, but it is hard to stay thin like some Victoria's Secret supermodel. And just because I don't scrub the toilets every month doesn't mean our house is dirty. I like to keep my hair short and permed so I can just wash and go. And by the time I do my scrap booking, make crafts to beautify our home, and play with our six cats, I am just exhausted. How am I supposed to find the time to bake a ham or fry a hamburger after all I do?
Last week, he said he was sick of eating tuna fish sandwiches and cheese and crackers for dinner. But he didn't say a word about the wreath I made for our front door! It took a long time and was really nice with peach, green, and light blue ribbons and baby's breath. And I got four pages done on my scrapbook entitled, "Cat Naps," but he didn't even ask about them.
I just feel like I can't do anything right. I feel like he is weighing me down. I am seriously considering leaving my husband. What should I do?
Signed,
Unappreciated in San Diego
Dear "Unappreciated":
I think it is high time you ditched this loser and moved on. He is just jealous of your natural talent and abilities. He probably feels threatened by your success. Find your own place, so you can make your own rules and not be bothered by trivial things like finding proper litter boxes for your cats. To support yourself, think about getting a job in a craft or hobby store. Then you can even get discounts on the supplies you need to grow yourself as an artist.
Once your husband sees that you are no longer around beautifying your home, heating up pork n beans for his dinner, and playing with your cats, he will come crawling back. Teach him a lesson!
Dear Miss Monroe:
I am having a problem with my husband. He doesn't seem to appreciate me at all. We have been married for three years, and he has pretty much ignored me for the last two of them. When he comes home from work, he gets his dinner and takes it right down the basement, where he watches television until bedtime.
He says that I am no longer the person he married and that he misses "The Old Julie." He calls me lazy and asks what I do around the house all day. He says our house is a mess and that our kitchen sink is not meant to be used as a litter box. Well, I am sorry that I ran out of litter boxes and haven't had a chance to go to the store! He is embarrassed to invite people over. He hates my cooking. He says my short, permed hair makes me look like Richard Simmons. Yesterday, he made fun of the pink Yosemite Sam sweatshirt I got from one of our vacations. That really hurt my feelings!
Well I am sorry! I know I have gained sixty pounds since we've been married, but it is hard to stay thin like some Victoria's Secret supermodel. And just because I don't scrub the toilets every month doesn't mean our house is dirty. I like to keep my hair short and permed so I can just wash and go. And by the time I do my scrap booking, make crafts to beautify our home, and play with our six cats, I am just exhausted. How am I supposed to find the time to bake a ham or fry a hamburger after all I do?
Last week, he said he was sick of eating tuna fish sandwiches and cheese and crackers for dinner. But he didn't say a word about the wreath I made for our front door! It took a long time and was really nice with peach, green, and light blue ribbons and baby's breath. And I got four pages done on my scrapbook entitled, "Cat Naps," but he didn't even ask about them.
I just feel like I can't do anything right. I feel like he is weighing me down. I am seriously considering leaving my husband. What should I do?
Signed,
Unappreciated in San Diego
Dear "Unappreciated":
I think it is high time you ditched this loser and moved on. He is just jealous of your natural talent and abilities. He probably feels threatened by your success. Find your own place, so you can make your own rules and not be bothered by trivial things like finding proper litter boxes for your cats. To support yourself, think about getting a job in a craft or hobby store. Then you can even get discounts on the supplies you need to grow yourself as an artist.
Once your husband sees that you are no longer around beautifying your home, heating up pork n beans for his dinner, and playing with your cats, he will come crawling back. Teach him a lesson!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Miss Independence
February 18, 2011
Dear Miss Monroe:
I have a problem with my parents. First, they are always telling me what to do. It is super annoying. They think they know everything but they don't.
Second of all, they do not let me wear what I want. They are always saying stuff is slutty. I'm like, half the girls in school are wearing this stuff and now I have to go around looking like a nun. Whatever.
Also, they expect me to live on no money. Just because I forget to do my chores they won't pay me. Don't they have to, like, legally give me money or something?
Anyway. I am only 15 and I can't take three more years of living in a nerd prison. I am thinking about becoming emancipated. That way I can get a job and do whatever I want.
Should I get emancipated and get my own place, which would be so awesome, or should I move in with my friend Shannon's mom and boyfriend? They say I can live there if I help out with stuff.
Signed,
Independent and Loving it.
Dear "Independent":
Oh. My. God. You are so stupid! How do you even function?
Emancipation would be a SUPER GOOD idea for you. As quickly as possible, find a tree-hugging attorney at one of those legal charity places that think they are helping the poor and impoverished. Ask your free, helpful attorney to file your papers to be "Independent and Loving It".
Then figure out what size you are in a Burger King uniform, because that is where you will be working. Over the years, your uniform size will go up steadily. This is because you will become fatter and fatter from eating cheap, unhealthy food.
You will color your own hair and you will be horrible at it. The varicose veins will start bulging out on your legs from standing all day. You will wear Jean Nate' or Charlie perfume from Walgreens. You will wear too much black Wet n' Wild eyeliner in an attempt to look sophisticated. Soon, you will take up smoking and start wearing Lee Press-On Nails in french manicure to class things up a bit.
Once in awhile, if you don't get knocked up by the first or second loser you meet, you might be able to lure a man up to your shag-carpeted crappy efficiency apartment with the tempting promise of a glass of cheap white zinfandel and some spaghetti you will claim is homemade, but will really be from a jar. This is pretty much the only time you will get laid. The guy will leave the next day before you wake up. No, he won't call.
Where was I? Oh, definitely get emancipated. Good luck!
Not an ATM
February 13, 2011
Dear Miss Monroe:
I have been dating this chick I really like. She is super funny, hotttt, and everything I ever wanted in a chick. She has an awesome bod also. Plus she is great in the sack.
The only problem with her is that she is very money-grubbing. Like if we go out to eat she expects me to pay all the time. She says it's because she has to drive all the time because I don't have a car. Oh! And she wants me to buy gas. She "conveniently" has to go to the gas station almost every time I ride with her. AND she thinks I should pay my mom rent.
Most of my money goes to weed and comic books. When that is done, she expects me to buy her a personal pan pizza every night or shovel out a bunch of money for Taco Bell. I feel like she is just in it for the money.
What should I do?
I am not an ATM in Illinois
Dear "I am not an ATM":
So let's go over the facts:
1. You live with your mom.
2. You have no car
3. You have a job, but either it is low-paying or you smoke a hell of a lot of weed
4. You collect comic books
You whiny mouth-breather. You must be the poster child for the saying, "There's someone for everyone." I can't even believe you can get a woman to look you in the eye. Let me ask, are you fat also? Do you have scraggly, unkempt facial hair sprinkled with angry red acne and nasty, pus-filled whiteheads? Just checking.
You sound just like my mother's neighbor's "special" son, who is thirty, still lives at home, and takes the short bus to a factory every day to glue foil on greeting cards as a "community service project."
Be glad you have a girlfriend.
Can't Take Much More
February 11, 2011
Dear Miss Monroe:
I have been married to my husband for 23 years. The problem I have is with intimacy. I feel like we are like brother and sister. I have only seen him naked two times, and they were both accidents! We had "sex" on our honeymoon, but he hasn't touched me since! I really am lonely.
I have tried to schedule romantic trips, but he always wants to invite his friend and his friend's wife. I like Lisa and Ethan a lot, but I want some time with my husband. I try waiting up for him at night, but he comes to bed so late, it's like he is trying to wait until I fall asleep.
I have tried it all: Sexy lingerie, role playing, candlelight dinners, you name it. Last month, when I tried to give him a sexy baby oil massage I read about in a magazine, he jerked away and said his stomach hurt. Am I missing something here?
Signed,
Can't Take Much More!
Dear "Can't Take Much More":
You are missing one tiny detail. Your husband is gay. Get a divorce and some counseling, darling. And possibly a clue.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)