Miss Independence

February 18, 2011

Dear Miss Monroe:

I have a problem with my parents.  First, they are always telling me what to do.  It is super annoying.   They think they know everything but they don't.

Second of all, they do not let me wear what I want.  They are always saying stuff is slutty.  I'm like, half the girls in school are wearing this stuff and now I have to go around looking like a nun.  Whatever.  

Also, they expect me to live on no money.  Just because I forget to do my chores they won't pay me.  Don't they have to, like, legally give me money or something?

Anyway.  I am only 15 and I can't take three more years of living in a nerd prison.  I am thinking about becoming emancipated.  That way I can get a job and do whatever I want.  

Should I get emancipated and get my own place, which would be so awesome, or should I move in with my friend Shannon's mom and boyfriend?  They say I can live there if I help out with stuff.

Signed,

Independent and Loving it.

Dear "Independent":

Oh.  My.  God.  You are so stupid!  How do you even function?  

Emancipation would be a SUPER GOOD idea for you.  As quickly as possible, find a tree-hugging attorney at one of those legal charity places that think they are helping the poor and impoverished.  Ask your free, helpful attorney to file your papers to be "Independent and Loving It".

Then figure out what size you are in a Burger King uniform, because that is where you will be working.  Over the years, your uniform size will go up steadily.  This is because you will become fatter and fatter from eating cheap, unhealthy food.

You will color your own hair and you will be horrible at it.  The varicose veins will start bulging out on your legs from standing all day. You will wear Jean Nate' or Charlie perfume from Walgreens.  You will wear too much black Wet n' Wild eyeliner in an attempt to look sophisticated.  Soon, you will  take up smoking and start wearing Lee Press-On Nails in french manicure to class things up a bit.

Once in awhile, if you don't get knocked up by the first or second loser you meet, you might be able to lure a man up to your shag-carpeted crappy efficiency apartment with the tempting promise of a glass of cheap white zinfandel and some spaghetti you will claim is homemade, but will really be from a jar.  This is pretty much the only time you will get laid.  The guy will leave the next day before you wake up.  No, he won't call.  

Where was I?  Oh, definitely get emancipated.  Good luck!