Nervous in Miami

Dear Miss Monroe:


I have a really serious problem.  My boyfriend and I got into a fight last year.  I was really mad at him so I had sex with this other guy I met in the parking lot at Target.  I wasn't expecting to hook up at that time so we didn't use protection.  I'm pretty sure the guy even gave me a fake name, because when I called him by name (he claimed it was Josh) he looked confused and it took him a second or two to answer.  Anyway.


I am four months' pregnant now and I have no idea whose baby it is.  Seriously, because of the timing and all, I'm thinking it's 50/50.  My boyfriend wants us to get married but I'll feel really bad if the baby is not his.  And the other thing is the guy I had sex with was Asian and looks NOTHING like my boyfriend.  So if the baby is not my boyfriend's it will be totally obvious.


What excuse could I use if people notice the baby looks Asian?  Please help!


Nervous in Miami


Dear Nervous:


God, I just hate it when morons procreate.  I swear, sometimes it seems as if stupidity and fertility are somehow connected.  Are you also ugly and poor?  I have to ask.


You probably shouldn't marry your boyfriend.  If the baby is not his he will be super-pissed.  And other people will notice.  And your boyfriend will tell people.  And everyone will know you hooked up with a guy you met in a PARKING LOT.  An Asian named Josh.  


Also, please consider adoption.  You sound like you are too stupid to be an adequate mother.