Not an ATM

February 13, 2011

Dear Miss Monroe:

I have been dating this chick I really like.  She is super funny, hotttt, and everything I ever wanted in a chick.  She has an awesome bod also.  Plus she is great in the sack.

The only problem with her is that she is very money-grubbing.  Like if we go out to eat she expects me to pay all the time.  She says it's because she has to drive all the time because I don't have a car.  Oh!  And she wants me to buy gas.  She "conveniently" has to go to the gas station almost every time I ride with her.  AND she thinks I should pay my mom rent.

Most of my money goes to weed and comic books.  When that is done, she expects me to buy her a personal pan pizza every night or shovel out a bunch of money for Taco Bell.  I feel like she is just in it for the money.

What should I do?

I am not an ATM in Illinois

Dear "I am not an ATM":

So let's go over the facts:

1.  You live with your mom.

2.  You have no car

3.  You have a job, but either it is low-paying or you smoke a hell of a lot of weed

4.  You collect comic books

You whiny mouth-breather.  You must be the poster child for  the saying, "There's someone for everyone."  I can't even believe you can get a woman to look you in the eye.  Let me ask, are you fat also?  Do you have scraggly, unkempt facial hair sprinkled with angry red acne and nasty, pus-filled whiteheads?  Just checking.  

You sound just like my mother's neighbor's "special" son, who is thirty, still lives at home, and takes the short bus to a factory every day to glue foil on greeting cards as a "community service project." 

Be glad you have a girlfriend.