Single in Texas

Dear Miss Monroe:

I am an attractive, well-educated man in my early forties.  I make good money, drive a nice car, and attend church regularly.  I'm "the total package," if I do say so myself.  I mean, you'd think I'd be beating the women off with a stick.  The problem?  I can't seem to find a decent woman to settle down with!

I dated Angie for three months.  I thought things were getting pretty serious and even considered popping the question.  But one morning she was making toast in my kitchen, and after she buttered the toast she licked the knife before putting it in the sink!  I mean, what a deal breaker.  That is just disgusting.

I dated Brook for two months.  She had this bad habit of humming while she was driving, and she also had a slight mustache that I hinted strongly for her to wax.  She never waxed the mustache, so that was it with her.

I dated Shasta for three months.  There was a pretty big age difference, but she was pretty hot so I let it slide.  Come to find out, she had cellulite on the back of her thighs.  The first time I noticed it, I had to hide my horror.

So I have to ask:  Is it just me, or are all the women out there really that disgusting?

Signed,

Single in Texas

Dear "Single":


Wow!  It's hard to believe someone hasn't snapped you up already!  You sound like quite a "package," if I may say so myself.  I think you should try calling up some of the Victoria's Secret swimsuit models.  Maybe you should write Angelina Jolie and see how happy she really is with Brad.  I mean, surely there's a chink in the armor somewhere.  You might also try Jennifer Anniston, I hear she's looking.  Good luck!