Dear Miss Monroe:
HELP! I need some advice… I know this is long and a lot to read but I feel like I need to give that background to the problem and give you all the information.
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. We are now 24 and 25 years old. We met in college and are both graduated now and living together.
We've lived together now for about nine months and I'm not happy anymore. I admit that I've changed. I don't like to party every weekend and he still does. He can NOT go one weekend without partying.
For example, last night, none of his friends wanted to go out. He sat in front of the tv drinking by himself, texting and calling friends to try to get someone to go out with him. Finally at 10:30 he said, "I guess I'm not going out tonight." Many Saturdays, he likes to go out during the day to bars with friends to watch sports and he'll usually ask if I'd like to go along. So that was his plan for today. For some reason, I broke down and decided I'm done.
We've had many conversations before about how I've changed and we are not in the same place in our lives anymore. I like to go out and have a good time but not every night of the weekend. I think that after this much time, we should be taking our relationship to new level. We’ve talked about our timelines for marriage and kids. He wants to wait until about 30 and I don’t.
So our conversation this morning went like this:
Bob: I’m meeting Erik at the bar at 3pm. Wanna go?
Me: Yea, in 20 minutes, this show is over and I’ll get in the shower then.
10 minutes later….
Bob: Hurry up and shower.
Me: Ya know what, we need to talk. I am not happy and I will never be happy with you.
Bob: What? I just wanted you to shower so we could be there by 3pm. You’ll never be ready in time. (it was 1:53pm)
Me: That’s not the point!
Bob: We are 25 and I like to go out on the weekends.
Me: And that’s who you are and I don’t want to be with that because that doesn’t make me happy. You can’t stay in with me and NOT drink. You can’t do anything on the weekends besides drink at the bars or in front of the tv.
Bob: I don’t understand how this developed from me wanting you to shower so we can be at the bar by 3pm.
Me: It’s not about being at the bar by 3pm. I think about this every night but I held it in. But it’s funny how you have to stick to your time restraints to be at the bar by 3 pm and you’ll walk all the way there in the cold, but you won’t go for a walk with me because it’s too cold!
Bob: I’m walking to a place where I’ll go inside and get warm right away!
Me: (rolling my eyes) No, I’m done. That’s it.
END OF CONVERSATION… I went to shower and cried a lot. He got ready and went to the bar at 3pm. He said “I guess I’ll see ya later,” when he left. I said nothing.
I don’t get that tingly feeling anymore. We are more like roommates than anything. There’s no passion. There is only sex and it’s only like once MAYBE twice a month.
Is it possible that we were only good together in college? If so, is it worth waiting for him to grow up and change? Many times, I have tried to think of all the positives in our relationship instead of the negatives and have never been able to come up with more than a few.
Bob is just inconsiderate all around. He doesn’t send birthday cards. He doesn’t do the small things that I wish he would. For example, he doesn’t call just to say he’s thinking about me, hold the door for me, ask how my day was, etc. THE SMALL THINGS! This might sound dumb, but he doesn’t use a blinker when he drives and if he does, it’s at the very last second before he turns. I think that is inconsiderate as well. I asked him one time why he doesn’t get the mail ever? The mail box is right at the front door when you walk into the building. I think these things are all selfish!
I’ve learned to deal with some of these things because I accept that that is how Bob is and I love him and fell in love with him for being that person. What do I do now?!?!
Crying Inside
Dear "Crying":
Blech. I can't believe I was able to finish your letter. Somewhere after the second paragraph I fell asleep on my wine glass. Now I have Cheez-It crumbs embedded in my forehead. God! You are really, really boring.
Now. Go back and re-read the letter you wrote me. Read every mind-numbing, exhausting detail. Imagine this situation with two or three kids, a dog that shits on the floor and eats cold hot dogs from the kitchen trash, sporting events, head lice, illnesses, deaths, taxes, car repairs, and a mortgage (probably upside down) thrown in. Yuck!!! I want to shoot myself in the head.
Go find your own place.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Torn Inside
Dear Miss Monroe:
I have a close friend whom I have been friends with for eight years. The problem is that throughout our friendship I have been annoyed at the things she does to me. She often makes mean, sarcastic comments to me and flakes out on me. We were at a bar together one night and I was talking to this guy, and she yanked me into the bathroom and complained that I was spending more time with him than her. Once time she borrowed a dress of mine and when I asked for it back she said that the dress wasn't mine but hers, and showed me a receipt supposedly from the dress but it was really just a Dillard's store receipt for shoes so WTF?
I need advice. I just don't know what to do. I am actually in therapy over this. I realize that I continue on with the friendship because I really don't have any close friends to turn to and talk with. I have spoken with my psychologist about this and she shakes her head when I have given her specific examples of what she's said or done to me. When I ask her what I should do, she just says, "What do you think you should do?"
Help!
Torn Inside
Dear Torn:
Get up from your computer right now and fire your fucking therapist! She is doing Sudoku puzzles in her lap and mentally going over her grocery list and whether or not she should get bangs next time on your dime. That bitch isn't even listening.
People usually don't really change. It's probably time to expand your horizons and make some other friends. It's good to have other options. Give your friend some space and see what happens. She will probably dump you now to be with her "cooler" friends, then call you crying in six months about how she never appreciated your friendship.
I have a close friend whom I have been friends with for eight years. The problem is that throughout our friendship I have been annoyed at the things she does to me. She often makes mean, sarcastic comments to me and flakes out on me. We were at a bar together one night and I was talking to this guy, and she yanked me into the bathroom and complained that I was spending more time with him than her. Once time she borrowed a dress of mine and when I asked for it back she said that the dress wasn't mine but hers, and showed me a receipt supposedly from the dress but it was really just a Dillard's store receipt for shoes so WTF?
I need advice. I just don't know what to do. I am actually in therapy over this. I realize that I continue on with the friendship because I really don't have any close friends to turn to and talk with. I have spoken with my psychologist about this and she shakes her head when I have given her specific examples of what she's said or done to me. When I ask her what I should do, she just says, "What do you think you should do?"
Help!
Torn Inside
Dear Torn:
Get up from your computer right now and fire your fucking therapist! She is doing Sudoku puzzles in her lap and mentally going over her grocery list and whether or not she should get bangs next time on your dime. That bitch isn't even listening.
People usually don't really change. It's probably time to expand your horizons and make some other friends. It's good to have other options. Give your friend some space and see what happens. She will probably dump you now to be with her "cooler" friends, then call you crying in six months about how she never appreciated your friendship.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Need Answers
Dear Miss Monroe:
I am having a problem with my 34-year-old sister. I think she may be an alcoholic.
One of her friends called me yesterday and said that my sister, while staying with her, flooded their home because she got drunk, passed out, and left the water running in a plugged utility tub in the laundry room for hours. My sister denies this, but I totally believe her friend -- she did this same thing in my home a few years ago! She also left the house for the day forgetting she put something on the stove and the homeowner returned just in time to save the house from a fire.
When the friend confronted her, my sister admitted to all of her drinking, said she had been calculating her demise, thought about buying a handgun and had looked on the internet as to how to hang herself using the ceiling fan and a rope. Then she asked the friend if she had any wine or vodka.
So I left a voice message on my sister's phone a bit ago asking her about all this. I am really confused. Do you think she could be an alcoholic? She claims she only has "four or five" a day and sometimes a little extra to "take the edge off."
Need Answers
Dear "Answers":
Are you writing to ask if your sister is an alcoholic? It sounds like it. Passing out consistently is a surefire sign. "Four or five a day" is a heck of a lot of booze, and you have to consider that she is probably underestimating the amount she is drinking. That being said, either talk her into rehab or watch her around the cooking sherry when she is at your house. And for christ's sake, never let her drink and drive.
I am having a problem with my 34-year-old sister. I think she may be an alcoholic.
One of her friends called me yesterday and said that my sister, while staying with her, flooded their home because she got drunk, passed out, and left the water running in a plugged utility tub in the laundry room for hours. My sister denies this, but I totally believe her friend -- she did this same thing in my home a few years ago! She also left the house for the day forgetting she put something on the stove and the homeowner returned just in time to save the house from a fire.
When the friend confronted her, my sister admitted to all of her drinking, said she had been calculating her demise, thought about buying a handgun and had looked on the internet as to how to hang herself using the ceiling fan and a rope. Then she asked the friend if she had any wine or vodka.
So I left a voice message on my sister's phone a bit ago asking her about all this. I am really confused. Do you think she could be an alcoholic? She claims she only has "four or five" a day and sometimes a little extra to "take the edge off."
Need Answers
Dear "Answers":
Are you writing to ask if your sister is an alcoholic? It sounds like it. Passing out consistently is a surefire sign. "Four or five a day" is a heck of a lot of booze, and you have to consider that she is probably underestimating the amount she is drinking. That being said, either talk her into rehab or watch her around the cooking sherry when she is at your house. And for christ's sake, never let her drink and drive.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Needing Moral Guidance
Dear Miss Monroe:
I know you are known for giving honest advice, so I am willing to put myself out there to hear what you think. Just to warn you, this is a bit of a confusing situation, so bear with me.
I am a practicing Christian. A friend of mine set up her friend, who I'll call Leslie, with a 'guy' who turned out to actually be a female transsexual. Kelly, who couldn't possibly be an actively practicing Christian, found out about the guy's transsexual status and didn't care at all. For some reason, she has continued to 'date' the guy. I don't know Kelly or the 'guy' very well, so I didn't involve myself in the situation.
The problem is that now my friend (who is a Christian as I am) has come to me saying that she finally realizes how wrong this "relationship" is and she's not sure what to do because she doesn't want to lose Kelly as a friend.
I'm not sure what to tell her. At first I thought it would be best to advise my friend not to spend time with Kelly and her 'boyfriend' when they are together, but then I wasn't sure if that would accomplish anything. I wasn't sure if this was a situation where being with them when they're together expresses approval or not. I mean, you can't just let them think you agree with what they're doing. I, for one, find it very very morally wrong and am uncomfortable that they are even dating.
I don't want to give bad advice, so I really want to hear what you all think about the situation. I'm not sure if it's relevant, but in case it helps to give a better idea of the picture, we're all college-age (and attending the same college).
Needing Moral Guidance
Dear "Needing Moral Guidance":
What sexual position do you prefer? I'm just asking. Are you a missionary-style type of guy, (my first guess) or are you more doggy style? Does this seem nosy? Does it seem like this is none of my business? Well, you are right, it's none of my fucking concern.
Who other people date or chose to date or screw or don't screw and how they do these things is none of your fucking business!!! If you don't like it, stay out of it! You screw who you want and let everyone else screw who they want, how they want, and worry about yourself!
P.S. - Jesus ate with prostitutes and tax collectors. Now get over yourself.
Love,
Miss Monroe
I know you are known for giving honest advice, so I am willing to put myself out there to hear what you think. Just to warn you, this is a bit of a confusing situation, so bear with me.
I am a practicing Christian. A friend of mine set up her friend, who I'll call Leslie, with a 'guy' who turned out to actually be a female transsexual. Kelly, who couldn't possibly be an actively practicing Christian, found out about the guy's transsexual status and didn't care at all. For some reason, she has continued to 'date' the guy. I don't know Kelly or the 'guy' very well, so I didn't involve myself in the situation.
The problem is that now my friend (who is a Christian as I am) has come to me saying that she finally realizes how wrong this "relationship" is and she's not sure what to do because she doesn't want to lose Kelly as a friend.
I'm not sure what to tell her. At first I thought it would be best to advise my friend not to spend time with Kelly and her 'boyfriend' when they are together, but then I wasn't sure if that would accomplish anything. I wasn't sure if this was a situation where being with them when they're together expresses approval or not. I mean, you can't just let them think you agree with what they're doing. I, for one, find it very very morally wrong and am uncomfortable that they are even dating.
I don't want to give bad advice, so I really want to hear what you all think about the situation. I'm not sure if it's relevant, but in case it helps to give a better idea of the picture, we're all college-age (and attending the same college).
Needing Moral Guidance
Dear "Needing Moral Guidance":
What sexual position do you prefer? I'm just asking. Are you a missionary-style type of guy, (my first guess) or are you more doggy style? Does this seem nosy? Does it seem like this is none of my business? Well, you are right, it's none of my fucking concern.
Who other people date or chose to date or screw or don't screw and how they do these things is none of your fucking business!!! If you don't like it, stay out of it! You screw who you want and let everyone else screw who they want, how they want, and worry about yourself!
P.S. - Jesus ate with prostitutes and tax collectors. Now get over yourself.
Love,
Miss Monroe
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Nervous in Alaska
Dear Miss Monroe:
My wife has recently found out I've been unfaithful to her during our marriage. I have held back on telling her everything to spare her feelings. She thinks only had a "one night stand" during a business trip. The truth is, there have been several affairs and one-night stands during our marriage of 20 years.
She now has scheduled a lie detector test for me so she can get her answers. I believe this could ruin our marriage and I really do not want that to happen. What advice can you give me? I need to find a way to get out of the lie detector test without looking guilty.
Dear Nervous:
You're pretty much screwed. Find a good divorce attorney and keep your dick in your pants next time. Fuck, why is this so hard?
My wife has recently found out I've been unfaithful to her during our marriage. I have held back on telling her everything to spare her feelings. She thinks only had a "one night stand" during a business trip. The truth is, there have been several affairs and one-night stands during our marriage of 20 years.
She now has scheduled a lie detector test for me so she can get her answers. I believe this could ruin our marriage and I really do not want that to happen. What advice can you give me? I need to find a way to get out of the lie detector test without looking guilty.
Dear Nervous:
You're pretty much screwed. Find a good divorce attorney and keep your dick in your pants next time. Fuck, why is this so hard?
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Roomate Issues
Dear Miss Monroe:
My roomie has a long history of terrible relationships. None were abusive or anything; her relationships always ended with the guy screwing her over by cheating on her or not returning her calls. This guy she is with now, Jay, is one of those guys. They started dating in October. Everything started out fine. He went home for winter break and just stopped calling her. They didn't speak again until recently. They started getting back together again.
This is when the weird stuff happened. My roomie was living with her best friend, Kate, at this time. I'm not sure exactly of the situation (although it's starting to become more clear to me now) but Kate and my roomie got in a huge fight over something that happened with Jay. Kate and my roomie had been best friends since elementary school. When they moved out, they were no longer on speaking terms.
I found out later that Jay had stopped calling her again and wouldn't answer any of her texts or calls. A few weeks later, they started dating, again. Everything was going fine and then he pulled the same crap again A few weeks later, they got back together and they've been ok ever since (until he screws her over again......).
I feel like he hits on me and my friends. Nothing that I could really call him on...it's "woman's intuition" type stuff. The other day, I came home from work and had had a tough day. My roommate walked out of the room for a bit. That's when Jay walked over to me and started massaging my shoulders. I pulled away from him and he came back over. As soon as my roomie walked back in, he jumped away like ten feet.
A few nights ago, we were out partying and I brought one of my sorority sisters with us. Jay was drunk and went over to her and said, "You're the sexiest thing I've ever seen." Last week, I had my friend, Jen, over at my apartment. Jay was there. She told a funny joke; you know how sometimes you might hit someone on their arm or pat their back if they say something funny? Well, Jen informed me today that Jay patted her butt. Luckily, my roomie didn't see that.
The problem is that I don't think my roommate would believe it if we told her. She's so wrapped up in this guy and she's totally in love with him. She looks at him and thinks he could do no wrong. Everyone tells her that he's a jerk and that's why he screwed her over three different times. She tells herself that he just got "scared" because his love for her is so strong.
So, my question is: should I tell my roommate or just keep it to myself?
My roomie has a long history of terrible relationships. None were abusive or anything; her relationships always ended with the guy screwing her over by cheating on her or not returning her calls. This guy she is with now, Jay, is one of those guys. They started dating in October. Everything started out fine. He went home for winter break and just stopped calling her. They didn't speak again until recently. They started getting back together again.
This is when the weird stuff happened. My roomie was living with her best friend, Kate, at this time. I'm not sure exactly of the situation (although it's starting to become more clear to me now) but Kate and my roomie got in a huge fight over something that happened with Jay. Kate and my roomie had been best friends since elementary school. When they moved out, they were no longer on speaking terms.
I found out later that Jay had stopped calling her again and wouldn't answer any of her texts or calls. A few weeks later, they started dating, again. Everything was going fine and then he pulled the same crap again A few weeks later, they got back together and they've been ok ever since (until he screws her over again......).
Jay is a creepy little bastard. For starters, he won't put a title on their relationship. She keeps asking if they're boyfriend and girlfriend and his response is, "I don't want to label us." Jay seems like the type that's always looking for something better. The reason why he stopped calling my roommate the last three times was because he found someone else who he thought would be better. My roommate is a great girl but I think Jay is just constantly on the look out for something better which is why he won't put a "label" on the relationship. This is where the problem comes in.
I feel like he hits on me and my friends. Nothing that I could really call him on...it's "woman's intuition" type stuff. The other day, I came home from work and had had a tough day. My roommate walked out of the room for a bit. That's when Jay walked over to me and started massaging my shoulders. I pulled away from him and he came back over. As soon as my roomie walked back in, he jumped away like ten feet.
A few nights ago, we were out partying and I brought one of my sorority sisters with us. Jay was drunk and went over to her and said, "You're the sexiest thing I've ever seen." Last week, I had my friend, Jen, over at my apartment. Jay was there. She told a funny joke; you know how sometimes you might hit someone on their arm or pat their back if they say something funny? Well, Jen informed me today that Jay patted her butt. Luckily, my roomie didn't see that.
The problem is that I don't think my roommate would believe it if we told her. She's so wrapped up in this guy and she's totally in love with him. She looks at him and thinks he could do no wrong. Everyone tells her that he's a jerk and that's why he screwed her over three different times. She tells herself that he just got "scared" because his love for her is so strong.
If I tell her, she gets pissed at me and I have to live with her for another year. I don't tell her and he'll just screw her over again. I also found out from a mutual friend that one of the reasons my roomie and Kate got in a fight last year was because Jay started hitting on Kate. Kate mentioned it to my roommate and it started WWIII.
So, my question is: should I tell my roommate or just keep it to myself?
Dear "Roommate Issues":
God, haven't we all known a "Jay"? This guy us a predator, and generally seeks out only girls who feel like shit about themselves and have no self esteem.
I hate to tell you this, but I think you know it already: There's no way you can make your roommate see that this guy is a creep. She is so desperate for "love" that she will do anything to hang on to this asshole. I hope he is at least good in the sack, but he strikes me as one of those guys who wants a blow job every day and half the time passes out in a drunken stupor, vomit-scented drool pooling into the folds of his neck, while you are in the middle of the scintillating task of sucking his dick.
Do you watch any of the Kardashian shows? Jay is the Scott Disick of your household. He will hang around like a creepy cockroach and there's not a thing you can do to stop it.
Sorry about you, honey. All you can do is roll your eyes, trash him to all your friends, and hold your roommate's hand while you take her to the free clinic when, inevitably, he gives her whatever dick rot he is bound to have from screwing everything in sight.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Feeling Trapped
Dear Miss Monroe:
I met my boyfriend back in June of 1998. At the time he was the sweetest guy ever. I was six months' pregnant with someone else's kid who disappeared coincidentally around the time I told him I was pregnant. My boyfriend helped me out throught the rest of my term he seemed like the perfect guy. My family couldn't see how great he was or how much he helped me but I really love him.
I went to Nebraska for the summer to see my family and came back in August. He was a totally different person. Yeah he was nice at times but other than that he was abusive physically and mentally. When ever I would make a mistake or lose my job through another co-worker's fault and her vendetta against me, he would say I was a horrible person and I was worthless.
I always have to watch my mouth and whatever I say around him because the littlest things would set him off on a rage. I have had plenty of bruises but the thing is I love him. Now I don't know what to do. I have given up everything for him. I am only 19 and I have thrown away my family. They don't like my boyfriend and said if I moved out and in with him that was it. My family wont take me back. I left Nebraska when my family told me to stay to get a new start and start beauty school. I came back for this? What do I do?
Feeling Trapped
Dear "Feeling Trapped":
Okay. You are young and you really need help so, though I think you are clueless, I am going to try with all my might not to be a bitch about this. I might not be able to hold it all in, though.
You have made some really dumb-ass decisions up until now. The good news is that you are only 19 and it is not too late to fix all this crap.
Please call your parents. Tell them that you made a mistake and that your asshole boyfriend is using you as a punching bag. Apologize for your former stupidity, and ask if you can move back home and go to beauty school. Don't be a smart-ass or a know-it-all when you are on the phone with them. Be sincere, humble, and appreciative. Most parents are willing to let you fuck up a few times before they completely cut you off.
Then, pack up and leave this douche bag behind. I know you think you love him, but his abusive behavior is likely to escalate. Please, start a new life for yourself while you still have the opportunity.
And quit being such a fucking idiot. Sorry. Couldn't help it.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Major Mother-in-Law Problems
Dear Miss Monroe:
My fiance is 39 and I am 32. We are both Catholic and we are getting married in the church. The problem is that my future mother-in-law is pretty much the most oblivious person I know. She drives me crazy! She shocked everyone by saying she actually wanted to help with the rehearsal dinner. She does not even offer to buy her own son dinner if we go out to eat as a group (my parents have to pay for his food), but they have money to buy a freaking beer and margarita.
She called my mom the other day and asked how many people were we expecting for the rehearsal dinner. My mom told her around 70, and she absolutely flipped out over that. She thinks that the it should only be the bride the groom them and my parents and then wedding party (with no guests allowed) and the flower girl and ring bearer don't need to come, nor our grandparents or the priest! My parents are pretty much preparing to pay for 100% of everything. But do we (my parents and my fiance) present her with a list of all the people we think should come (like a guest for the wedding party) and tell her to put a mark by everyone that she thinks should be there and then we pick up the bill for the rest and the ENTIRE WEDDING. She does not know that our guest list has 550 people on it. She may just run away when she finds out that.
What should I do?
Signed,
Major Mother-in-Law Problems
Dear "Major":
Several things come to mind here. First of all, why aren't you and the groom paying for your own wedding? Y'all aren't actually spring chickens or young kids just starting out.
Also, your future husband should pay for his own meal, like a damn man, when you are out as a group. If your parents want to offer that's awesome, but seriously, his mother should be able to order an alcoholic beverage without you being annoyed that she is not paying for her grown-ass son's meal.
As far as the rehearsal dinner goes, let's be real here. Wouldn't it be easier to just pay for it? It would save you from getting bogged down in petty minutia. Shit, have your mother-in-law take care of the flowers or something.
Keep in mind that your mother-in-law is likely to become more of a bitch as time goes on, not less of one. Good luck with that.
My fiance is 39 and I am 32. We are both Catholic and we are getting married in the church. The problem is that my future mother-in-law is pretty much the most oblivious person I know. She drives me crazy! She shocked everyone by saying she actually wanted to help with the rehearsal dinner. She does not even offer to buy her own son dinner if we go out to eat as a group (my parents have to pay for his food), but they have money to buy a freaking beer and margarita.
She called my mom the other day and asked how many people were we expecting for the rehearsal dinner. My mom told her around 70, and she absolutely flipped out over that. She thinks that the it should only be the bride the groom them and my parents and then wedding party (with no guests allowed) and the flower girl and ring bearer don't need to come, nor our grandparents or the priest! My parents are pretty much preparing to pay for 100% of everything. But do we (my parents and my fiance) present her with a list of all the people we think should come (like a guest for the wedding party) and tell her to put a mark by everyone that she thinks should be there and then we pick up the bill for the rest and the ENTIRE WEDDING. She does not know that our guest list has 550 people on it. She may just run away when she finds out that.
What should I do?
Signed,
Major Mother-in-Law Problems
Dear "Major":
Several things come to mind here. First of all, why aren't you and the groom paying for your own wedding? Y'all aren't actually spring chickens or young kids just starting out.
Also, your future husband should pay for his own meal, like a damn man, when you are out as a group. If your parents want to offer that's awesome, but seriously, his mother should be able to order an alcoholic beverage without you being annoyed that she is not paying for her grown-ass son's meal.
As far as the rehearsal dinner goes, let's be real here. Wouldn't it be easier to just pay for it? It would save you from getting bogged down in petty minutia. Shit, have your mother-in-law take care of the flowers or something.
Keep in mind that your mother-in-law is likely to become more of a bitch as time goes on, not less of one. Good luck with that.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Steaming Mad
Dear Miss Monroe:
I am very furious with my wife and need some advice before things get out of control. We have been married for ten years. My wife is a stay-at-home mom. We have three children together, and my two children from a previous relationship also live with us. One of the kids has special needs and also autism.
I'm a nice guy. I work hard, go to the gym after work, go out with the guys once in awhile, and come home.
Lately out of the blue she has been making a big deal out of me having a few beers after work and asking what time I'll be home. She wants "me" time. She's home all day, what more "me" time does she want? She has been asking me to do household chores like clean the kitchen. She keeps calling for pizza instead of making dinner when she is home all day. Also, she hired someone to clean the windows in the house for $75! Isn't that her job????
But here comes the last straw. My favorite NFL team was knocked out of the playoffs and she laughed!!!! I mean, I'm trying to do the right thing here but when do you say "enough is enough"?
Steaming Mad
Dear "Steaming Mad":
Go shit in your hand.
I am very furious with my wife and need some advice before things get out of control. We have been married for ten years. My wife is a stay-at-home mom. We have three children together, and my two children from a previous relationship also live with us. One of the kids has special needs and also autism.
I'm a nice guy. I work hard, go to the gym after work, go out with the guys once in awhile, and come home.
Lately out of the blue she has been making a big deal out of me having a few beers after work and asking what time I'll be home. She wants "me" time. She's home all day, what more "me" time does she want? She has been asking me to do household chores like clean the kitchen. She keeps calling for pizza instead of making dinner when she is home all day. Also, she hired someone to clean the windows in the house for $75! Isn't that her job????
But here comes the last straw. My favorite NFL team was knocked out of the playoffs and she laughed!!!! I mean, I'm trying to do the right thing here but when do you say "enough is enough"?
Steaming Mad
Dear "Steaming Mad":
Go shit in your hand.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Confused in Post Falls, Idaho
Dear Miss Monroe:
I have spent 45 years of my life trying as hard as is humanly possible to be a best friend, confidant, and working partner with my younger brother. I have worked for his company on and off for the last 15 years.
I really enjoyed my job and was the number 13 salesman in my office out of 20. I have been passed over for promotions eight times. Each time they have claimed "performance issues" and "trouble reading social cues."
In October, I was told by my boss that I should go ahead with a home purchase I was considering. I thought all was well, and happily moved out of my brother's basement into my new home.
In December at the office holiday party, I have to admit I had a little too much to drink. I was talking to one of the secretaries who had pretty much given me many hints she was interested. Well, she went to Human Resources with it and I had to take special training and everything. Meanwhile, she sits perched at her desk in her low-cut sweaters and short skirts and I'm the one with egg on my face.
In January of this year my brother's GM came to me and told me I was being laid off indefinitely.
I have been sacrificed again and again and my level of dedication to the company and the family business is not in question. Yet I am still out right after I bought a home. My brother takes a hands-off stance saying he cannot overrule his GM because it would undermine his authority. My brother has always kept me at arms' length and has tried to convince me to change careers entirely even though I have a great passion for the business.
I have been offered another job at my brother's direct competitor. My brother has worked hard to convince me that I shouldn't burn any bridges and try to go after his business. He claims my layoff is temporary but can give no time frame of my return. The new company wants me to chase the business I had been doing with clients from my brother's company. My heart and soul are with my brother's company but I feel I have been manipulated, used, and thrown out like a used Kleenex and really have a hard time wanting to keep a good relationship with my brother. He has hurt me time and time again, and will not stand up for me even though he knows I do a great job.
What would you do?
Dear "Confused":
I am going to do you a huge solid by clearing up your "confusion." But first, I have to ask: Are you male or female? When I started reading your email I assumed you were male, but then vacillated back and forth a few times as I continued reading.
Anyway, here's the deal. Either you really, really suck at what you are doing or your brother is a major asshole. I'm kind of leaning towards the "you suck" side. Even from your own martyr-like standpoint, it seems like you aren't very good at your job and you just haven't been willing to understand this.
Should you take the job with your brother's competitor? Shit, yes. You have a mortgage to pay. But if you start having "social cue" and "performance" issues with this new company, consider another career.
And tell your brother to eat shit.
I have spent 45 years of my life trying as hard as is humanly possible to be a best friend, confidant, and working partner with my younger brother. I have worked for his company on and off for the last 15 years.
I really enjoyed my job and was the number 13 salesman in my office out of 20. I have been passed over for promotions eight times. Each time they have claimed "performance issues" and "trouble reading social cues."
In October, I was told by my boss that I should go ahead with a home purchase I was considering. I thought all was well, and happily moved out of my brother's basement into my new home.
In December at the office holiday party, I have to admit I had a little too much to drink. I was talking to one of the secretaries who had pretty much given me many hints she was interested. Well, she went to Human Resources with it and I had to take special training and everything. Meanwhile, she sits perched at her desk in her low-cut sweaters and short skirts and I'm the one with egg on my face.
In January of this year my brother's GM came to me and told me I was being laid off indefinitely.
I have been sacrificed again and again and my level of dedication to the company and the family business is not in question. Yet I am still out right after I bought a home. My brother takes a hands-off stance saying he cannot overrule his GM because it would undermine his authority. My brother has always kept me at arms' length and has tried to convince me to change careers entirely even though I have a great passion for the business.
I have been offered another job at my brother's direct competitor. My brother has worked hard to convince me that I shouldn't burn any bridges and try to go after his business. He claims my layoff is temporary but can give no time frame of my return. The new company wants me to chase the business I had been doing with clients from my brother's company. My heart and soul are with my brother's company but I feel I have been manipulated, used, and thrown out like a used Kleenex and really have a hard time wanting to keep a good relationship with my brother. He has hurt me time and time again, and will not stand up for me even though he knows I do a great job.
What would you do?
Dear "Confused":
I am going to do you a huge solid by clearing up your "confusion." But first, I have to ask: Are you male or female? When I started reading your email I assumed you were male, but then vacillated back and forth a few times as I continued reading.
Anyway, here's the deal. Either you really, really suck at what you are doing or your brother is a major asshole. I'm kind of leaning towards the "you suck" side. Even from your own martyr-like standpoint, it seems like you aren't very good at your job and you just haven't been willing to understand this.
Should you take the job with your brother's competitor? Shit, yes. You have a mortgage to pay. But if you start having "social cue" and "performance" issues with this new company, consider another career.
And tell your brother to eat shit.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Tired of Texting in Minnesota
Dear Miss Monroe:
Hi Miss Monroe. I need your help. I really like this girl at college. She's in pretty much all of my classes she is a really nice girl with a great personality and good looks. She says I'm a nice kid all the time.
The problem is when I try to text her and try to start up a good convo she doesn't really show emotion in her texts. Like if I say hey how's it going?? She'll just say "nmu". Or if I say so how are you? She'll respond with a "good u". What do I do??? It seems as if she doesn't know how I feel about her.
Dear "Texting":
Ah, kids. Christ. How is she supposed to "show emotion" in her texts? Would you be happy if she used emoticons? Is this better: "nmu
"? Or how about this: "good u
"? If you want emotion, why not have have an actual conversation? Put your dumb ass phone away and speak. God.
Hi Miss Monroe. I need your help. I really like this girl at college. She's in pretty much all of my classes she is a really nice girl with a great personality and good looks. She says I'm a nice kid all the time.
The problem is when I try to text her and try to start up a good convo she doesn't really show emotion in her texts. Like if I say hey how's it going?? She'll just say "nmu". Or if I say so how are you? She'll respond with a "good u". What do I do??? It seems as if she doesn't know how I feel about her.
Dear "Texting":
Ah, kids. Christ. How is she supposed to "show emotion" in her texts? Would you be happy if she used emoticons? Is this better: "nmu
"? Or how about this: "good u "? If you want emotion, why not have have an actual conversation? Put your dumb ass phone away and speak. God.Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Nervous in Miami
Dear Miss Monroe:
I have a really serious problem. My boyfriend and I got into a fight last year. I was really mad at him so I had sex with this other guy I met in the parking lot at Target. I wasn't expecting to hook up at that time so we didn't use protection. I'm pretty sure the guy even gave me a fake name, because when I called him by name (he claimed it was Josh) he looked confused and it took him a second or two to answer. Anyway.
I am four months' pregnant now and I have no idea whose baby it is. Seriously, because of the timing and all, I'm thinking it's 50/50. My boyfriend wants us to get married but I'll feel really bad if the baby is not his. And the other thing is the guy I had sex with was Asian and looks NOTHING like my boyfriend. So if the baby is not my boyfriend's it will be totally obvious.
What excuse could I use if people notice the baby looks Asian? Please help!
Nervous in Miami
Dear Nervous:
God, I just hate it when morons procreate. I swear, sometimes it seems as if stupidity and fertility are somehow connected. Are you also ugly and poor? I have to ask.
You probably shouldn't marry your boyfriend. If the baby is not his he will be super-pissed. And other people will notice. And your boyfriend will tell people. And everyone will know you hooked up with a guy you met in a PARKING LOT. An Asian named Josh.
Also, please consider adoption. You sound like you are too stupid to be an adequate mother.
I have a really serious problem. My boyfriend and I got into a fight last year. I was really mad at him so I had sex with this other guy I met in the parking lot at Target. I wasn't expecting to hook up at that time so we didn't use protection. I'm pretty sure the guy even gave me a fake name, because when I called him by name (he claimed it was Josh) he looked confused and it took him a second or two to answer. Anyway.
I am four months' pregnant now and I have no idea whose baby it is. Seriously, because of the timing and all, I'm thinking it's 50/50. My boyfriend wants us to get married but I'll feel really bad if the baby is not his. And the other thing is the guy I had sex with was Asian and looks NOTHING like my boyfriend. So if the baby is not my boyfriend's it will be totally obvious.
What excuse could I use if people notice the baby looks Asian? Please help!
Nervous in Miami
Dear Nervous:
God, I just hate it when morons procreate. I swear, sometimes it seems as if stupidity and fertility are somehow connected. Are you also ugly and poor? I have to ask.
You probably shouldn't marry your boyfriend. If the baby is not his he will be super-pissed. And other people will notice. And your boyfriend will tell people. And everyone will know you hooked up with a guy you met in a PARKING LOT. An Asian named Josh.
Also, please consider adoption. You sound like you are too stupid to be an adequate mother.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sensitive in Tennessee
Dear Miss Monroe:
I have basically gotten myself into an uncomfortable situation and I want to know what your advice would be.
There's this girl. Let's call her Amanda. I basically met her at the bar where I work and we've been dating for about two years.
Just so you know, I should mention that I'm not really a relationship person. I don't know what it is, it's just that after awhile when I spend a lot of time with people, basically they begin to annoy me. It just gets to me somehow. Largely based on this aspect of my personality, I broke up with her just before Christmas. The bad thing is, since then we've been seeing each other occasionally and having sex.
She says she still really wants to be with me. I've told her it's not on the cards, and she's says she's fine with that. She says she can be happy just seeing me occasionally and having a bit of fun, because she'd rather do that than not see me. But then sometimes she writes me these super-long texts about how much she misses me. Last week I saw her car on my block and I live nowhere near her, so, basically, I think she could be following me. Yesterday, she started crying and said she can't keep doing this but through her sobs she was giving me some below-the-belt attention so it was kind of awkward. I didn't know what to do so I just stood there and finished.
What should I do? Basically as I see it my options are either (1) to carry on as I am, see her sometimes and have fun not worrying about how she's feeling, I'm not leading her on etc, (2) still be friends but not go further with her (I'm unsure as to how able I would be to do this, due to us regularly being in close proximity when intoxicated, and her tendency to try it on in these situations), or (3) cut off all contact, cruel to be kind, etc.
I should point out that I've been with other girls in the meantime, and she's rejected any advances from people other than me. I'm just worried about her, basically.
Signed,
Sensitive in Tennessee
Dear "Sensitive:"
Are you super good in the sack? Is your dick made of solid gold? Do you closely resemble Kellan Lutz? If your answer to any of these questions is "no," then WHAT. THE. HELL. I mean, where do you guys find these girls with absolutely no discernible self esteem? Is there an ad or a club or something? I don't get it.
Please stop banging this poor girl. She is not emotionally equipped to have casual sex with you. Or casual blow jobs. Also, please stop using the word "basically." God! I think if I met you in person, I'd have to punch you in the face.
I have basically gotten myself into an uncomfortable situation and I want to know what your advice would be.
There's this girl. Let's call her Amanda. I basically met her at the bar where I work and we've been dating for about two years.
Just so you know, I should mention that I'm not really a relationship person. I don't know what it is, it's just that after awhile when I spend a lot of time with people, basically they begin to annoy me. It just gets to me somehow. Largely based on this aspect of my personality, I broke up with her just before Christmas. The bad thing is, since then we've been seeing each other occasionally and having sex.
She says she still really wants to be with me. I've told her it's not on the cards, and she's says she's fine with that. She says she can be happy just seeing me occasionally and having a bit of fun, because she'd rather do that than not see me. But then sometimes she writes me these super-long texts about how much she misses me. Last week I saw her car on my block and I live nowhere near her, so, basically, I think she could be following me. Yesterday, she started crying and said she can't keep doing this but through her sobs she was giving me some below-the-belt attention so it was kind of awkward. I didn't know what to do so I just stood there and finished.
What should I do? Basically as I see it my options are either (1) to carry on as I am, see her sometimes and have fun not worrying about how she's feeling, I'm not leading her on etc, (2) still be friends but not go further with her (I'm unsure as to how able I would be to do this, due to us regularly being in close proximity when intoxicated, and her tendency to try it on in these situations), or (3) cut off all contact, cruel to be kind, etc.
I should point out that I've been with other girls in the meantime, and she's rejected any advances from people other than me. I'm just worried about her, basically.
Signed,
Sensitive in Tennessee
Dear "Sensitive:"
Are you super good in the sack? Is your dick made of solid gold? Do you closely resemble Kellan Lutz? If your answer to any of these questions is "no," then WHAT. THE. HELL. I mean, where do you guys find these girls with absolutely no discernible self esteem? Is there an ad or a club or something? I don't get it.
Please stop banging this poor girl. She is not emotionally equipped to have casual sex with you. Or casual blow jobs. Also, please stop using the word "basically." God! I think if I met you in person, I'd have to punch you in the face.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Fighting Fat in Utah
Dear Miss Monroe:
I am fifty years old and I currently weigh almost 400 pounds. For obvious reasons, I am trying to lose weight. The extra weight I am carrying has caused me to have back problems, knee problems, and foot problems. I get winded after walking just a few steps. I lost my job because they claim I can't "safely" fit in the delivery van. I need to change.
The problem is my wife. She will not support me at all in my endeavor to lose weight. Last night I was watching TV on the couch when she brought me my dinner. I asked her to prepare me healthy yet edible foods for my meals. She brings me a plate with one chicken breast and some fresh green beans. How am I supposed to live off of that? After I gagged down my dinner, she kept nagging me to go out and walk around the neighborhood with her. She knew the game was on! I got so upset at my wife's lack of support that after she went to bed (I was STARVING by this time), I ordered two cheese stuffed pizzas with extra sausage and ate them.
The next morning, I realized that my wife had cleaned out the kitchen cupboards. Again, she starts nagging about going for a walk. The breakfast she gave me? One CUP of Grape Nuts, SKIM milk, and a banana. What the hell? She told me she got rid of all the Pop Tarts, honey buns, and cookies and candies to "help" me. Help me? I think she is trying to kill me!
Today she came home and gave me a gym membership. WHAT. IN. THE. WORLD. She knows I am too fat to work out!
Miss Monroe, how can I get my wife to realize that I need her support? And when will she see that I do not need to be doing all these extra activities? I am seriously considering making a counselling appointment for her.
Signed,
Fighting Fat Alone in Utah
Dear "Fighting Fat:"
Hmmm. It sounds like you need a mother, not a wife. Will your parents take you back? Please ask them today. If that is not an option, consider checking Craig's List and your local nursing homes for someone who wants to take on responsibility for a 400 pounds-and-counting, non-working, imbecilic male with a victim complex. Good luck!
I am fifty years old and I currently weigh almost 400 pounds. For obvious reasons, I am trying to lose weight. The extra weight I am carrying has caused me to have back problems, knee problems, and foot problems. I get winded after walking just a few steps. I lost my job because they claim I can't "safely" fit in the delivery van. I need to change.
The problem is my wife. She will not support me at all in my endeavor to lose weight. Last night I was watching TV on the couch when she brought me my dinner. I asked her to prepare me healthy yet edible foods for my meals. She brings me a plate with one chicken breast and some fresh green beans. How am I supposed to live off of that? After I gagged down my dinner, she kept nagging me to go out and walk around the neighborhood with her. She knew the game was on! I got so upset at my wife's lack of support that after she went to bed (I was STARVING by this time), I ordered two cheese stuffed pizzas with extra sausage and ate them.
The next morning, I realized that my wife had cleaned out the kitchen cupboards. Again, she starts nagging about going for a walk. The breakfast she gave me? One CUP of Grape Nuts, SKIM milk, and a banana. What the hell? She told me she got rid of all the Pop Tarts, honey buns, and cookies and candies to "help" me. Help me? I think she is trying to kill me!
Today she came home and gave me a gym membership. WHAT. IN. THE. WORLD. She knows I am too fat to work out!
Miss Monroe, how can I get my wife to realize that I need her support? And when will she see that I do not need to be doing all these extra activities? I am seriously considering making a counselling appointment for her.
Signed,
Fighting Fat Alone in Utah
Dear "Fighting Fat:"
Hmmm. It sounds like you need a mother, not a wife. Will your parents take you back? Please ask them today. If that is not an option, consider checking Craig's List and your local nursing homes for someone who wants to take on responsibility for a 400 pounds-and-counting, non-working, imbecilic male with a victim complex. Good luck!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Single in Texas
Dear Miss Monroe:
I am an attractive, well-educated man in my early forties. I make good money, drive a nice car, and attend church regularly. I'm "the total package," if I do say so myself. I mean, you'd think I'd be beating the women off with a stick. The problem? I can't seem to find a decent woman to settle down with!
I dated Angie for three months. I thought things were getting pretty serious and even considered popping the question. But one morning she was making toast in my kitchen, and after she buttered the toast she licked the knife before putting it in the sink! I mean, what a deal breaker. That is just disgusting.
I dated Brook for two months. She had this bad habit of humming while she was driving, and she also had a slight mustache that I hinted strongly for her to wax. She never waxed the mustache, so that was it with her.
I dated Shasta for three months. There was a pretty big age difference, but she was pretty hot so I let it slide. Come to find out, she had cellulite on the back of her thighs. The first time I noticed it, I had to hide my horror.
So I have to ask: Is it just me, or are all the women out there really that disgusting?
Signed,
Single in Texas
Dear "Single":
Wow! It's hard to believe someone hasn't snapped you up already! You sound like quite a "package," if I may say so myself. I think you should try calling up some of the Victoria's Secret swimsuit models. Maybe you should write Angelina Jolie and see how happy she really is with Brad. I mean, surely there's a chink in the armor somewhere. You might also try Jennifer Anniston, I hear she's looking. Good luck!
I am an attractive, well-educated man in my early forties. I make good money, drive a nice car, and attend church regularly. I'm "the total package," if I do say so myself. I mean, you'd think I'd be beating the women off with a stick. The problem? I can't seem to find a decent woman to settle down with!
I dated Angie for three months. I thought things were getting pretty serious and even considered popping the question. But one morning she was making toast in my kitchen, and after she buttered the toast she licked the knife before putting it in the sink! I mean, what a deal breaker. That is just disgusting.
I dated Brook for two months. She had this bad habit of humming while she was driving, and she also had a slight mustache that I hinted strongly for her to wax. She never waxed the mustache, so that was it with her.
I dated Shasta for three months. There was a pretty big age difference, but she was pretty hot so I let it slide. Come to find out, she had cellulite on the back of her thighs. The first time I noticed it, I had to hide my horror.
So I have to ask: Is it just me, or are all the women out there really that disgusting?
Signed,
Single in Texas
Dear "Single":
Wow! It's hard to believe someone hasn't snapped you up already! You sound like quite a "package," if I may say so myself. I think you should try calling up some of the Victoria's Secret swimsuit models. Maybe you should write Angelina Jolie and see how happy she really is with Brad. I mean, surely there's a chink in the armor somewhere. You might also try Jennifer Anniston, I hear she's looking. Good luck!
Friday, March 18, 2011
Unappreciated in San Diego
February 21, 2011
Dear Miss Monroe:
I am having a problem with my husband. He doesn't seem to appreciate me at all. We have been married for three years, and he has pretty much ignored me for the last two of them. When he comes home from work, he gets his dinner and takes it right down the basement, where he watches television until bedtime.
He says that I am no longer the person he married and that he misses "The Old Julie." He calls me lazy and asks what I do around the house all day. He says our house is a mess and that our kitchen sink is not meant to be used as a litter box. Well, I am sorry that I ran out of litter boxes and haven't had a chance to go to the store! He is embarrassed to invite people over. He hates my cooking. He says my short, permed hair makes me look like Richard Simmons. Yesterday, he made fun of the pink Yosemite Sam sweatshirt I got from one of our vacations. That really hurt my feelings!
Well I am sorry! I know I have gained sixty pounds since we've been married, but it is hard to stay thin like some Victoria's Secret supermodel. And just because I don't scrub the toilets every month doesn't mean our house is dirty. I like to keep my hair short and permed so I can just wash and go. And by the time I do my scrap booking, make crafts to beautify our home, and play with our six cats, I am just exhausted. How am I supposed to find the time to bake a ham or fry a hamburger after all I do?
Last week, he said he was sick of eating tuna fish sandwiches and cheese and crackers for dinner. But he didn't say a word about the wreath I made for our front door! It took a long time and was really nice with peach, green, and light blue ribbons and baby's breath. And I got four pages done on my scrapbook entitled, "Cat Naps," but he didn't even ask about them.
I just feel like I can't do anything right. I feel like he is weighing me down. I am seriously considering leaving my husband. What should I do?
Signed,
Unappreciated in San Diego
Dear "Unappreciated":
I think it is high time you ditched this loser and moved on. He is just jealous of your natural talent and abilities. He probably feels threatened by your success. Find your own place, so you can make your own rules and not be bothered by trivial things like finding proper litter boxes for your cats. To support yourself, think about getting a job in a craft or hobby store. Then you can even get discounts on the supplies you need to grow yourself as an artist.
Once your husband sees that you are no longer around beautifying your home, heating up pork n beans for his dinner, and playing with your cats, he will come crawling back. Teach him a lesson!
Dear Miss Monroe:
I am having a problem with my husband. He doesn't seem to appreciate me at all. We have been married for three years, and he has pretty much ignored me for the last two of them. When he comes home from work, he gets his dinner and takes it right down the basement, where he watches television until bedtime.
He says that I am no longer the person he married and that he misses "The Old Julie." He calls me lazy and asks what I do around the house all day. He says our house is a mess and that our kitchen sink is not meant to be used as a litter box. Well, I am sorry that I ran out of litter boxes and haven't had a chance to go to the store! He is embarrassed to invite people over. He hates my cooking. He says my short, permed hair makes me look like Richard Simmons. Yesterday, he made fun of the pink Yosemite Sam sweatshirt I got from one of our vacations. That really hurt my feelings!
Well I am sorry! I know I have gained sixty pounds since we've been married, but it is hard to stay thin like some Victoria's Secret supermodel. And just because I don't scrub the toilets every month doesn't mean our house is dirty. I like to keep my hair short and permed so I can just wash and go. And by the time I do my scrap booking, make crafts to beautify our home, and play with our six cats, I am just exhausted. How am I supposed to find the time to bake a ham or fry a hamburger after all I do?
Last week, he said he was sick of eating tuna fish sandwiches and cheese and crackers for dinner. But he didn't say a word about the wreath I made for our front door! It took a long time and was really nice with peach, green, and light blue ribbons and baby's breath. And I got four pages done on my scrapbook entitled, "Cat Naps," but he didn't even ask about them.
I just feel like I can't do anything right. I feel like he is weighing me down. I am seriously considering leaving my husband. What should I do?
Signed,
Unappreciated in San Diego
Dear "Unappreciated":
I think it is high time you ditched this loser and moved on. He is just jealous of your natural talent and abilities. He probably feels threatened by your success. Find your own place, so you can make your own rules and not be bothered by trivial things like finding proper litter boxes for your cats. To support yourself, think about getting a job in a craft or hobby store. Then you can even get discounts on the supplies you need to grow yourself as an artist.
Once your husband sees that you are no longer around beautifying your home, heating up pork n beans for his dinner, and playing with your cats, he will come crawling back. Teach him a lesson!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Miss Independence
February 18, 2011
Dear Miss Monroe:
I have a problem with my parents. First, they are always telling me what to do. It is super annoying. They think they know everything but they don't.
Second of all, they do not let me wear what I want. They are always saying stuff is slutty. I'm like, half the girls in school are wearing this stuff and now I have to go around looking like a nun. Whatever.
Also, they expect me to live on no money. Just because I forget to do my chores they won't pay me. Don't they have to, like, legally give me money or something?
Anyway. I am only 15 and I can't take three more years of living in a nerd prison. I am thinking about becoming emancipated. That way I can get a job and do whatever I want.
Should I get emancipated and get my own place, which would be so awesome, or should I move in with my friend Shannon's mom and boyfriend? They say I can live there if I help out with stuff.
Signed,
Independent and Loving it.
Dear "Independent":
Oh. My. God. You are so stupid! How do you even function?
Emancipation would be a SUPER GOOD idea for you. As quickly as possible, find a tree-hugging attorney at one of those legal charity places that think they are helping the poor and impoverished. Ask your free, helpful attorney to file your papers to be "Independent and Loving It".
Then figure out what size you are in a Burger King uniform, because that is where you will be working. Over the years, your uniform size will go up steadily. This is because you will become fatter and fatter from eating cheap, unhealthy food.
You will color your own hair and you will be horrible at it. The varicose veins will start bulging out on your legs from standing all day. You will wear Jean Nate' or Charlie perfume from Walgreens. You will wear too much black Wet n' Wild eyeliner in an attempt to look sophisticated. Soon, you will take up smoking and start wearing Lee Press-On Nails in french manicure to class things up a bit.
Once in awhile, if you don't get knocked up by the first or second loser you meet, you might be able to lure a man up to your shag-carpeted crappy efficiency apartment with the tempting promise of a glass of cheap white zinfandel and some spaghetti you will claim is homemade, but will really be from a jar. This is pretty much the only time you will get laid. The guy will leave the next day before you wake up. No, he won't call.
Where was I? Oh, definitely get emancipated. Good luck!
Not an ATM
February 13, 2011
Dear Miss Monroe:
I have been dating this chick I really like. She is super funny, hotttt, and everything I ever wanted in a chick. She has an awesome bod also. Plus she is great in the sack.
The only problem with her is that she is very money-grubbing. Like if we go out to eat she expects me to pay all the time. She says it's because she has to drive all the time because I don't have a car. Oh! And she wants me to buy gas. She "conveniently" has to go to the gas station almost every time I ride with her. AND she thinks I should pay my mom rent.
Most of my money goes to weed and comic books. When that is done, she expects me to buy her a personal pan pizza every night or shovel out a bunch of money for Taco Bell. I feel like she is just in it for the money.
What should I do?
I am not an ATM in Illinois
Dear "I am not an ATM":
So let's go over the facts:
1. You live with your mom.
2. You have no car
3. You have a job, but either it is low-paying or you smoke a hell of a lot of weed
4. You collect comic books
You whiny mouth-breather. You must be the poster child for the saying, "There's someone for everyone." I can't even believe you can get a woman to look you in the eye. Let me ask, are you fat also? Do you have scraggly, unkempt facial hair sprinkled with angry red acne and nasty, pus-filled whiteheads? Just checking.
You sound just like my mother's neighbor's "special" son, who is thirty, still lives at home, and takes the short bus to a factory every day to glue foil on greeting cards as a "community service project."
Be glad you have a girlfriend.
Can't Take Much More
February 11, 2011
Dear Miss Monroe:
I have been married to my husband for 23 years. The problem I have is with intimacy. I feel like we are like brother and sister. I have only seen him naked two times, and they were both accidents! We had "sex" on our honeymoon, but he hasn't touched me since! I really am lonely.
I have tried to schedule romantic trips, but he always wants to invite his friend and his friend's wife. I like Lisa and Ethan a lot, but I want some time with my husband. I try waiting up for him at night, but he comes to bed so late, it's like he is trying to wait until I fall asleep.
I have tried it all: Sexy lingerie, role playing, candlelight dinners, you name it. Last month, when I tried to give him a sexy baby oil massage I read about in a magazine, he jerked away and said his stomach hurt. Am I missing something here?
Signed,
Can't Take Much More!
Dear "Can't Take Much More":
You are missing one tiny detail. Your husband is gay. Get a divorce and some counseling, darling. And possibly a clue.
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